A Little Service Please
By: KK
Copyright @2001

 

I'm not a hard person to please. I only require a little groveling and ass kissing when I enter a restaurant. Considering the price I'm about to pay for a little road kill, it's the least a restaurant employee can do.

Once in awhile I get suckered into a chain restaurant via my offspring. The food is not fit for my dog, yet my children believe that anything with cheese on it is considered healthy...mac-n-cheese, grilled cheese, cheese pizza, cheese on their ice cream. Meanwhile the adults have the choice between deep fried or microwaved food. I also want to know who was bored enough to design an onion into a flower, deep fry it and serve it with horse-radish. First of all, I'm not eating anything with the word "horse" in it. To me that means that the sauce actually came from the horse and I really don't find that appetizing at all. Secondly, don't design food into flowers, bushes, ducks, etc. It doesn't change the taste of the 30 weight oil that it was deep fried in.

I've served my time as a waitress and I've been released from restaurant parole. I'm the last person that wants to deal with the general public. But I did it with a plastered smile on my face, delivered their food fresh from the microwave and at least it was hot. I know that's a lot to ask from a person making minimum wage but it's not rocket science.

What I want from a restaurant is simple:

1. Bigger tables. Quit cramming community condiments onto a two foot by two foot table.

2. No community condiments. This disgusts me to no end. Who the hell wants to eat the ketchup that Bobby Booger stuck his knife into to get it to pour out???

3. Stop with the water glasses. It crowds the table and who the hell actually drinks tap water anymore?

4. When taking an order, write it down, write it down again, write it down again...I guarantee that the waiter will still forget something.

5. Don't bring me a platter of salad and a tablespoon of dressing. I didn't order the salad because I like the taste of lettuce. I ordered it because I like the dressing and the dressing only tastes good on lettuce. You can't eat Thousand Island dressing on a chicken fried steak. It's not the same. Why not community dressing on the table?? If ketchup and mustard are good enough to share with the germ infected public, why not the dressing?

6. Stop serving French fries with EVERYTHING! I don't want French fries with my pasta and I honestly don't want it with my dead burger either. The burger is too fucking big for human consumption. Why the hell do restaurants think we have room for fries too??

7. Don't offer me dessert. I'm stuffed from the platter of lettuce, the flowered onion, the dead burger and the 2000 French fries.

8. Get rid of "To Go" boxes. To go where??? Home?? I didn't want to eat that shit in the restaurant when it was already a week old. Why the hell would I eat it the next day?

9. Don't forget things. ANYTHING! That's good enough reason for me to go postal and try to stab the waiter with the community ketchup bottle.

10. Don't keep checking on me every five seconds, "Is everything ok?? Is everything ok?? Is everything ok?? On the other hand, don't decide to take that trip to Europe after taking our order either.

I know that people flock to these places. They honestly believe that this is gourmet food. I have learned that you get what you pay for. The more expensive restaurants kiss my ass and the food is usually outstanding. If my children don't die from clogged arteries by the time they are ten, then hopefully they will quit torturing me with chain restaurants.