Cancer the Finale
By: KK

Copyright @2002

Last Monday morning my son found me passed out on my bathroom floor. It was quite a scene and one that I barely remember, except the voices of firemen, my neighbors and my husband. Of course I would be the only person to find humor in this situation, because what woman wouldn't want 4-5 firemen in her room all at the same time? The problem was that everyone just let me lay there waiting for the paramedics until my husband responded to my calls that I needed to get to the bathroom. Where I promptly threw-up.

Paramedics arrived and and after confirming that we had insurance they put me on a stretcher and rushed me to the hospital. I don't remember the ride there, but I do remember the excruciating pain that I was experiencing from my waist to my ass. That pain was explained by my veterinarian of all people (that story later). They promptly drugged me up and sent me on my way. They obviously
didn't find the need to keep a cancer patient, in tremendous pain, for any length of time. Welcome to our medical system.

The next day my chest was constricted and I was having trouble breathing. Considering the welcome party the emergency room threw for me the day before, I wasn't all that excited to re-visit it now. But I'm not stupid and knew that something was seriously wrong. I was right. A month and a half after quitting chemo-therapy I now had viral pneumonia. My girlfriend would make a great
ambulance driver one day. George Jetson has nothing on her. She was in the emergency room before I was even out of the vehicle. She screamed that I couldn't breathe, they told her to sign some papers, which she promptly forged my signature on and when the nurse told me to have a seat, my girlfriend pulled out an oozie and declared that the only seat that I would be taking would be in a wheel chair. Damn she's mouthy!

I spent the next two days in the emergency room because the hospital lacked beds for the sick and dying. I was promptly drugged up again and slept for two days. By 6:00 Wednesday night I had a bed of my very own and was quietly sedated. Three doctors walk into my room, a family practitioner, an oncologist (a cancer doctor for those of you who just don't get it) and a pulmonary doctor (a lung doctor for those that are still lost). I was told several things....

1. I have pneumonia in both lungs...duh.
2. I have degenerative arthritis in my lower spine...I've always had back pain
so this revelation didn't surprise me.
3. My tumor was gone...YEE FUCKING HA!! You would have been proud, I actually
shed some tears over this announcement.
4. After only being in my room for four hours the family practitioner
announces, "there's no clinical reason to keep you here, so I want to release
you now." He obviously had a death wish.
5. The cancer doctor was signing off on my case. What?? He informed me to
call him in a week for a check-up. The family practitioner was taking over.
The war was about to begin.

For the entire week that I was there, receiving breathing treatments, oxygen tubes up my nose, pain medication every two hours and little cups of pills twice a day, Dr. Sand Monkey (I'm not normally prejudice, but considering that this idiot had my life in his hands I had the right to be out of control) announces daily that he wants to release me. Now I may not be the brightest chick on the planet, but I think that it's a safe assumption that someone with cancer, who can't breathe and has pneumonia, doesn't really belong roaming around the streets. The nurses found it quite entertaining when Dr. Sand Monkey would enter my room and take my berating everyday. I refused to leave the hospital until I felt better. Which I did a week later and demanded that he discharge me. I was disgusted with the fact that I was in the oncology unit being treated by a family practitioner that I am quite certain received his medical license from a mail order company. He was really great at sedating me, but lacked the crucial ability to diagnose and treat cancer patients.

After the hell that I have been through since my diagnosis in April, I have really lost faith in doctor's. I'm sure that there are some decent ones out there but unfortunately the majority of them are nothing more than over-rated and over-paid actors.

I will continue to have scans every six months for the rest of my life to make sure that the tumors don't come back. But I'm really convinced that if the tumors do decide to flair their ugly heads again, I will seek medical attention from my local grocery clerk instead. They are much more reliable, compassionate and they don't serve road kill to dying people.

Readers Respond

09.25.02

Hi K.
I am glad to hear that you are doing much better. I lost your site and
have been searching now for over a month. Luckily, I found it again this
morning! I was tickled pink to read that the cancer is in remission and
that you have started college. That is great! You take care and teach
those 70's wannabes a thing or two about writing style! lol You go girl!
Your fan forever
Shelly in Alabama

08.16.02

Hi k,
I was surfing the net last night, while ignoring my daughter, and came to
your web site. Your experience with cancer and its treatments stayed with
me all night. Luckily, I was able to find the website again this
morning(I saved it this time). I am a liberal, athiest, flight attendant,
sex slave maid,..... and a source of comfort for my mother who is
fighting throat cancer. I will enjoy reading your comments in the future
and praise you for speaking your mind. This is america: we are allowed
to not believe in god, think the president is as dumb as rocks, and say
whatever the hell we want. Stay Sane.
Jeannie

07.10.02

Hi! I trust this note finds you in good health and spirits! I don't have
any idea of what you are going through, in your fight. I can only guess,
and that's not fair to you. But, (starting a sentence with that word is,
according to my beloved English teacher of 4th grade, not appropriate,
butm what the heck, Im sure she is satisfied I can type!) after reading
your website pages (the divorce story is very much true), I felt like we
think alike. Kinda unlikely, but we are about the same age, both of us
have been through the divorce thing, and laughed our way back into the
dating scene. Rather than young men, Id rather spend my time lusting after
young women, but both are more hassle than they are worth! One youngish
woman actually told that she thought older men (Im 38 for crying out loud)
were more sensitive than the men her age- Jeez, what did she expect from
generation x? Anyhow, just wanted to send a note and wish you well, and
thank you for your
funny (sorry) website! (where its 100 f today and Im stuck in the office!)
Finished reading all the stuff about stripping, dancing, etc. Darned
funny! Do you have a degree in English? If not, go get one and teach!
Great stories and very funny- the bikini wax one is better than a similar
article I read in some trash magazine. So, if they paid some person to
write that article, someone will pay you for your work!
Best wishes, Greg

07.09.02

Hi. My name is Chad. I'm married, 24 years old, have a great job, and
living in Memphis, TN. Your web site gives me a nice break from the
companies accounting software. Thank you for the humor and the rawness.
I just wanted to wish you well with you cancer battle. I hope things are
working out for you. Just stay strong and know that people like me are
pulling for you.
Thanks,
Chad

07.06.02

I somehow stumbled across your web site today and I read most of your
articles. The reason I am writing is to wish you the best of luck in the
coming weeks. I will be praying for you and your health.

GC

07.06.02

Dear K,

Wow. What a site. I have spent many years devoted to that wondrous form of
humour; often unique almost always misunderstood; ie, sarcasm.
And I finally come across yet another human being with enough proverbial
balls to let it all out. By now you and I both know it helps no-one
keeping it all in.
Congratulations on a fantastic site filled with everything a little girl
dreams of. And now to the cancer - I had to bring it up. You're by now no
doubt sick of hearing about it. I do have so say one thing though - if
there is anyone in this world that could shoot that
son-of-a-bitch-of-a-disease through the ass, then it's you my dear. If
with nothing else but your wit - you'll beat it. Sending all the very best
wishes a person can pass from one to another.
Take good care of yourself.
Yours sincerely,
Olivia

07.04.02

I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your website. I am
also sorry to hear about your cancer. You sound like a very strong woman
who has been through a lot in life. I hope you fight through your cancer
and live a long healthy life.
Kara

07.02.02

I came to your web site in search of information about a bikini wax, I
ended up being taken back by your cancer article. My thoughts and prayers
are with you. Be strong and stay positive. Your ability to see the humor
in this will take you a long way to help keep you strong. Please keep us (
your web friends ) posted.

Belinda

06.30.02

Dear K,

I happened on your website this morning and just wanted to let you know
that you're hilarious! You are a really talented writer. I know that the
whole God thing isn't your forte, but if you're looking for the one thing
that will sustain you and give you some relief, I can help you find it.
I'm praying for you. I am so sorry for your pain and grief,
Julie

06.09.02

WOW!!! Kick-ass site! You have a gift for stating what needs to be stated
in an entertaining, humourous, but effective manner. Good luck in your
battle with cancer!
Requiella

06.17.02

Thanks for sharing ideas and feelings . Many of which are shared. I'm
emailing others the site too
Regards,
Leon

06.20.02

Dear K,

I was forwarded to your site from a crazy radio station site in Memphis
and read the story about your cancer. I do not know you, but my mother
went through a similar situation with cancer and I realize just how scary
your situation must be. I was surprised to read your upbeat attitude and
hope that all of your treatment has the desired effect. Your family is
very lucky to have you and your inner strength. You are a gifted writer
and your story compelled me to send you a note of good will.
Best wishes, and prayers,
Anthony