Celebrities
by: KK
Copyright@ 2001
Wanna Play??
Can celebrities please get over themselves? Let's lay it on the line here. I am
not jealous. Nor, do I wish to be famous. I have enough talent to satisfy my own
ego without having to throw it in everyone else's face. Acting is not hard. You
pretend that you are someone else. Schizophrenics do it all the time and they
don't get paid millions. They get institutionalized. Singing might be considered
a talent. But once we hear you live, we realize that you are not the one with
talent, it's the dubbing man who has the talent.
Because this site is about opinions, I of course have many on celebrities, feel
free to send me yours too...E-Mail
My Useless Opinion
1. Tell me your alias...or else I will just put it under dumbass.
2. Tell me which celebrity/celebrities that you are referring to.
3. Don't color code...regardless of your opinion it will go under the
celebrities name.
I'm going to color code for the dumb in the head
"Nauseating"
1. Kathie Lee Gifford: My cat has more talent and looks than this over
the hill, over rated, over publicized female. Cody, Cassidy and the Giff are not
even remotely cute. Maybe if she would shove them down her own throat like she
does ours, she might actually shut up for ten seconds. Obviously she has never
heard the phrase, "don't make faces or it will stay like that"...guess what
Kath...your face is contorted and I'm tired of seeing it. Get off my TV!!
2. Rosie O'Donnell: Can you say, "Zero talent"? Who did she have to blow
(I mean lick) to get famous? Rosie is right up there with Kathie Lee on the
scale of phoniness. Kiss Ass should be tattooed on her and Kathie Lee's
foreheads. Would someone please quit adopting children to a woman who collects
Mc Donald's toys and makes my neighbors dog howl when she tries to sing?
3. Celine Dion: Now I realize that I'll probably get a little heat for
this one. But, I'm tired of hearing how poor she was and how perfect she is now.
Everyone of her songs sounds the same and she hasn't eaten in at least ten
years. A small gust of wind could knock her over. I just read how perfect her
pregnancy was and how she would love to have the little baby back inside of her.
Really? Was her mother saying the same thing by her thirteenth pregnancy?
J. Powell: Celine Dion can just rip a song like
anyone I have seen, you'd think she'd have size 40D breasts with the size lungs
she has, I just think she is soooo talented! As for her Mom comments, she is a
little overexcited, no biggie! I doesn't hurt me any, so who cares!
4. Mariah Carey: Spoiled little girl and I'm tired of seeing her naked
too. I'll be sending her a bill to replace all my glassware...she needs to
retire her "vocal range" from every song. Just waiting for the announcement that
her name has been changed to MCa.
5. Back Street Boys & InSync: Care package is in the mail. Contents:
toothbrush, hair brush, razors, q-tips, soap, soap and more soap.
J. Powell: Backstreet Boys..thumbs up! Absolutely 5
gorgeous guys......as for Nick Carter....I'd love to help him through the aging
process (horizontal!!) N'Sync...thumbs down! Call me when they actually hit
puberty, gangly little boys, probably with no pubic hair!
6. Rick Rockwell & Darva Conger: Ok, so technically they are not
"celebrities", but they did milk their 15 minutes and I do have an opinion.
You have to give Darva credit, she is attractive and intelligent...she wins
first place, annuls the marriage, poses for Playboy and laughs all the way to
the bank. Rick is still ugly, egotistical and can't get a job. Who's the
millionaire now?
7. O.J. Simpson: Who doesn't have an opinion about him? Dumb football
player gets away with murder. Dumb football player beats next girlfriend. Dumb
football player attacks driver at stop sign. Dumb football player has a bad
temper and lots of money to get him out of trouble. NO, he's not guilty at all!
8. Hillary Clinton: Marries ugliest man on planet, has ugliest child on
planet and becomes first female President...I'm nauseous.
9. Baldwin Brothers: Lack of Talent Brothers is what they should be
called. The only good thing that any of them has ever done is nail hot and
famous wives. What they lack in talent they must make up for in their pants.
10. Michael Jackson: "Just beat it, beat it, beat it...." Oh, I forgot,
he's afraid of germs so he can't touch his own pee pee...but little boys are
much more sterile. Exactly where does one purchase the iron he uses to press out
his face with every morning? How is that my skin freckles from to much sun and
his fades?
11. Martha Stewart: Martha, Martha, Martha....I read her UN-authorized
biography. Of course that's much more fun than reading the pack of lies she
would write. This woman was born on a broomstick and she paints the walls
lemony-lime green, sweeps the porch, decorates the Christmas tree, frosts the
cookies and beats her staff with it everyday.
12. Laura Schlessinger: I won't even give her the honor of having the
title "Dr."....H.H.B.....Hypocrite, Hating, Bitch...
"Tolerable"
1. Julia Roberts: Now, I think I would like Julia as a friend. But she
doesn't really have any talent and frankly she is not worth the $500 trillion
dollars that everyone claims she is. Every character she plays is...you guessed
it....Julia!
2. Jennifer Aniston: EAT! I'm tired of seeing her bones. Jenny Poo...you
can change your hair all you want, but it will not hide the fact that you have a
face that can slide down a ruler and that you cannot act.
3. Jennifer Lopez, aka JLo: Stick with your birth name sweetie. I
wouldn't trust someone named "Puffy" to change my name. I prefer her acting over
her singing. It's not her music, it's powder "Puffs" music. She gets points for
having meat on her ass. No breeze is going to knock her over.
J. Powell: since Jennifer Lopez goes by JLo, I now
go by JPo!!!! Is my ass as wide as hers???????
4. Britney Spears: I don't buy for a minute that she's a virgin. She did
pick the ugliest guy from InSync to be her boyfriend and I guarantee you he's a
virgin...who the hell would sleep with that brillo head?
5. Christina Agulera: Enough with the stomach already! Put some clothes
on. She has more talent than Britney...but let's hope her songs don't start all
sounding the same like Mariah and Celine.
6. Rolling Stones: Would someone please tell the boys that they are dead?
I don't mean their music, that will always be classic. If their faces are that
shriveled up I'm sure their dicks are a frightening sight.
J. Powell: Stones, waiting for their "headstone" -
someone tell Keith Richard he died already and the it is the hearse that is
waiting for him outside, not the limo!
7. Brad Pitt: Remember the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz? " If only I had a
brain...."
J. Powell: he could be my ultimate 'Boy Toy", he is
my "Legend of the Fall" for
damn sure as well as Spring, Summer and Winter too!!
8. Jim Carrey: Used to be, has been, never will be funny again. Same
shit, different movie.
9. Calista Flockheart: What's on the menu? Oh, I forgot, she's never
actually seen a menu. There's not a man out there that would touch that
skeleton, so she adopts. Welcome to the "rich and famous and I can't get fat"
club.
10. Robert Downey Jr.: Honey, for the sake of women, get your act
together! So much talent and good looks and all wasted on a needle...sorry that
being so famous and wealthy equals such a hard life. You would have seen your
name in green, except that you lost points for drug use.
11. Drew Barrymore: Yes, you are cute and naive and ever so likable.
Nauseating, overkill on the NICE factor! But, I suppose that makes up for the
lack of talent.
J. Powell: Drew Barrymore....a waste of my breath
and typing skills...
12. Oprah: Ok, so she's trying to save the world and fix everyone's
problems. Hello?? Her bank account could clothe and feed 3/4 of the world. She
needs to stop asking for our help. I'm waiting for the announcement that she has
added "P.H.D." to the end of her name...I'm tired of the "help out and be nice
to each other" shows. Who the hell wants to do that?
13. Russell Crowe: Pompadour Man! For the sake of mankind, lose that
hairstyle!
14. Catherine Zeta-Jones: Beautiful woman meets ugly, old, rich, married
American. Beautiful woman gets married, pregnant and title of
benifactor...smart woman.
15. Monica Lewinsky: More famous than any porn star and didn't even get
paid for it.
16. Meg Ryan: Who the hell does her hair? Scooby Doo??
17. Kevin Costner: King of the 6 hour movie fests. Enough about Kevin,
lets talk about Kevin...no wait, Kevin is still talking....
18. Whitney Houston: Tremendous talent gone to waste. Earned her crown in
the 80's and it's been stuck up her Diva ass ever since.
19. Emeril: Would someone please "BAM!" Emeril in the head with a rolling
pin? He needs to stand up straight. He looks like the Hunchback and I'm
beginning to wonder if his vocabulary exceeds the Flintstone era.
"Respectable"
1. Howard Stern: Yes, he makes the top of my list. He is the only
celebrity that does NOT kiss ass to anyone. He tells it like it is whether you
want to hear it or not. For all of the Bible thumping, moral policing, people
without thoughts...if you don't like him...change the station.
2. Bette Midler: This tiny package packs a powerful punch. She can sing,
she is funny and the gay community adores her...now I'm not gay...but I adore
her too. She doesn't flaunt her kid in front of the media either, like other
egotistical celebrities...hint, hint...Kathie Lee.
J. Powell: Bette....she is awesome.....no need to
go any further on that subject...
2. Mel Gibson: Obviously all of Mel's parts are in working order and
satisfactory...he has 101 kids and the same wife to prove it. I would do him in
a heartbeat.
J. Powell: Mel Gibson, outdated and aging, he was
my heartthrob in the 80's just like Don Johnson, they are hanging at the old
timers bar now of handsome grandfathers!
3. Sean Connery: I am fairly certain that his remark pertaining to
"slapping women around" meant that every woman needed a little spanking in
bed...I've been very, very bad Mr. Connery...I think I need to be punished.
4. Camryn Manheim: This is what a real woman and actress are all about.
She is not pretentious, fake or thin. But she has talent a real body and is damn
proud of it!
J. Powell: Camryn Manheim must be related to the
Christmas group....."Manheim Steamroller", because she is as big as one....I am
SO done with her "big is beautiful" nonsense, she too is under the illustrious
group of no talents to me....
5. Elizabeth Hurley: No talent required. She's damn near perfect...ok,
I'm a little jealous, I would like to be perfect too.
J. Powell: Elizabeth Hurley is basically perfect,
no more to be said on that subject without seeming jealous and catty..meow!
A. Powers: Smashing Baby! Hope you like the psychedelic colors. Peace,
Love, and Shag
6. Madonna: A woman who speaks her mind...uh, wait a minute...that sounds
familiar.
7. Ricky Martin: Sorry girls and boys, I have a soft spot for this cutie!
I want to stroke his bon bon!
8. Richard Gere: Gerbils?? What gerbils?? I didn't see any
gerbils...Ok...doesn't really matter if the rodent thing is true or not. Doesn't
really matter if the gay thing is true or not. If he asked real nice I would
stroke his bon bon too.
9. Pamela Anderson: Close your mouth... I happen to like her. The fact
that she can have two kids and walk out of the hospital in her bikini gets a two
boobs up from me...I want to be her when I grow up!
