Computer Calls
By: KK
Copyright @2001

I am sick of talking to computers, via my telephone. I recently had surgery and had to deal with the insurance company, the doctor's office and the hospital. I'll keep this brief.

I call the insurance company:

Hello, you have reached Rip U Off Insurance,

for English, press 1,
for Spanish, press 2,
for Japanese, press 3
for Russian, press 4
for Pig Latin, press the letters "L &P"

I press 1.

I am American and wasn't aware that America had so many language options....I am certain that Germany only offers "German" and Italy only offers "Italian"...speak their language or leave.

"Thank you....you have chosen English...."

"Please enter your 151 digit account number, followed by the pound sign."

It's painful, but two days later, I finally get all the numbers plugged in and
then have to remember if the computer said "pound" or "star".

"Please enter your 5 digit password, followed by the pound sign...."

I do as instructed, silence....

"Thank you...you have entered the following account number and password..."

Press 1, if this is correct
Press 2, to start over
Press 3, if you are agitated by now.

For the safety of my phone, I pry out the #3 button and press #1...

"Thank you...here are your options..."

Press 1, to file a claim
Press 2, to find out the status of a claim
Press 3, to send us a check
Press 4, to send us cash
Press 5, to send us your credit card number
Press 6, to request a brochure
Press 7, for our mailing address
Press 8, to repeat the entire menu
Press 9, if you have already committed suicide by now
Press 0, if you actually think that we are going to pay any claims...especially
life insurance.

Not once do I hear, would you like to talk to an operator? I am also not able to skip over the menu. I am forced to listen to the entire thing. The menu does not offer anything remotely close to what I was calling about.I'm now feeling frisky and pissed...I press 9. Low and behold an operator actually comes on the phone.

"May I help you?"

Just for kicks...I gurgle and fake that I am choking on blood. No response.

(Unaffected)" Hello? May I help you?"

"Your company keeps sending me letters and I don't understand what it is that you want...can you please tell me what your company is requesting?"

"I have no idea, ma'am. You'll have to call your doctor. Can I help you with anything else?"

"No, that pretty much clarified everything for me...thanks."

I call my doctor's office:

"You have reached the office of Dr. Screw You Over,"

for English, press 1,
for Spanish, press 2,
for Japanese, press 3
for Russian, press 4
for Pig Latin, press the letters "L &P"

It's a conspiracy. Right about now I could use some humor...I press 3. Nurse Yokamoto answers immediately! Wow! If you speak English, you get ignored...if you speak a foreign language, it must be important. We had better answer right away. God forbid, if our little immigrants are ignored. The minute she realizes that I speak English, she says, "hode on, I tranfer yuu to coputr".

I am now back to the menu...none of which offers me the chance to speak with a person who speaks my language.

"You have reached the office of Dr. Screw You Over,"

If this is an emergency, hang up and immediately dial 911...
If this is not an emergency, the please stay on the line and we will get to you
within the week.

I am still in torture myself mode, so I stay on the line. I would have called 911, just to get my rocks off...but they have a menu too and I'm tired of playing this game. Nurse Dipshit finally answers the phone and I explain my situation.

"The insurance company keeps sending me letters, requesting something from your office. They said to call you."

"Well, we don't show anything in our computers, except that the bill has not been
paid by your insurance. Do you plan on paying that today?"

"Nooooo, I do not plan on paying that today. My insurance is supposed to pay that bill. This is why I'm calling. What are you supposed to send to the insurance company??"

"I don't know ma'am, we don't have your paperwork. You'll have to call the hospital."

Click.

I call the hospital:

"Thank you for calling Surgeries R Us Hospital,"

for English, press 1,
for Spanish, press 2,
for Japanese, press 3
for Russian, press 4
for Pig Latin, press the letters "L &P"

I feel a primal scream building up in my gut and quickly moving to my throat.
I slam the number 1.

Press 1, for patient information
Press 2, for the emergency room
Press 3, for billing
Press 4, if you want to kill someone
Press 5, if you are going to scream and yell at the operator if she answers

I gently press 5 and wait and wait and wait....

"What the hell do you want???"

"Excuse me?! What kind of operator answers the phone like that?"

The number 5 operator answers the phone like that...I am prepared for your type.

"My type? Oh, you mean the pissed off, bored with fucking computer menus, getting the run around type?"

"I don't like your tone of voice."

I take a deep breath and say, "Let's start over. Hi, how are you?"

"Fine, what the hell do want?"

"The insurance company said to call my doctor, the doctor said to call you...I need my paperwork. Can you please help me?"
I am feeling light headed from holding my breath and trying not to scream.

I hear her clicking away on the computer and she says, "we don't have it, call the insurance company." Click.

I am beyond Prozac now and have wasted two weeks of my time dealing with this issue.
I call back the insurance company...

"I'm sorry our system is down...please try your call again later."