Divorce Sucks
By: KK
Copyright @2002

I never planned on getting married, let alone divorced. But I happen to be one to those incredibly stubborn people who actually expects people to keep their promises...silly me. I was born not to trust people and I guess I had a slip of one of my cerebral nerves or something. Don't get me wrong...my ex happens to be one of the sweetest, most naive, loving creatures on the face of the earth. But something wasn't clicking between the two of us and it wasn't just the switch to my vibrator.

It's been tough on both of us. I have a little more cement in my head than he does so I handle things a tad bit tougher. That doesn't mean that I don't have any feelings it just means that I don't break down and sob when a lady bug flies by.

I feel guilty for leaving him, but not guilty enough to spend the next 50 years of my life unhappy. He means well. But he's a work-aholic and our priorities are not the same. He will make some woman very happy. He's the type that needs someone in his life to complete him and give him a reason for being here. I on the other hand just need attention. I need someone to leave me alone when necessary and to dote on me when requested. I am incredibly picky and difficult.

I feel guilty for ripping the carpet out from underneath him. But at the same time it could not have been a total surprise to him either. After announcing that I want a divorce and not just a separation this time, he promptly moves out to a house on a golf course and spends Rockefeller amounts of money furnishing it. I start redecorating the house we bought together. I try to paint over the memories that we made together. It's simple and unnerving how people handle devastation.

The kids seem to be handling things well. Our kids are built strong like Lego's...they seem to endure. But we are always on the watch for that
unexpected tumble of towers. We are awesome, supportive parents and friends. I'm not a praying person...but I would pray that he and I always remain mature enough to keep things as solid as possible for the kids. If we can't succeed at anything else, I do know that parenthood and friendship are our strong points.

I will always love him. But I'm not certain that anyone can satisfy me for the rest of my life and I'm definitely not certain that I can satisfy nor tolerate anyone for an entire lifetime. I really like my "alone" time and will find attention when I need it. Selfish? Yes. But at least I'm honest. How many people can actually admit that?
 

Readers Comment

01.23.03

I too tripped over your webpage simply by searching "Divorce Sucks". There is no
question that it does and it traumatizes all involved, undoubtedly the children
involved the most.
Like many who write you, I too thought that my marriage was made to last
forever. Isn't that just the way it was supposed to be? Just like the movies?
Fairy tale weddings, honeymoons and endless romance under the
stars?..............................................
I am sure that most of us visiting this site would have never believed that WE
would end up in this place. Unfortunately in today's society the word "divorce"
is all to common. Who is to blame for this? Not to sound angry BUT, a buddy of
mine put it best- "Woman today take marriage as if it were simply a long term
date- When they want out, they get out and with it, they get everything"
I, like him, and I am sure MANY other men out there are in the same situation.
In my case it will eventually be all for the better for the woman I had married
will NEVER be happy with anyone in her life. She's simply miserable on the
inside and she alone (psychiatric help couldn't hurt either)
After a 15 year relationship (11 of those years married) she decided that she
needed a different taste in her life. She decided that it was in HER best
interest to get involved with another guy. Did you ever hear the term "You don't
shit where you eat"? Well, she crapped all over herself! Cell phone calls from
my cell phone, e-mails to and from my computer, handwritten journals comparing
he to I, and the BALLS to present me with a drafted separation agreement which
she while laughing, hung over my head while telling me "She has very strong
feeling for________!.... the list goes on.
I, feeling that I truly loved this woman and thinking that it was in the best
interest of our 3 and 6 year old children tried to do what ever I could to turn
this around. I sought counseling and Therapy and suggested that if this was
going to work she was going to need to work on it too.
For 10 weeks I tried to make this turn it's ugly head, biting my lip and male
ego in a true effort to save my marriage and family from becoming a statistic.
For a bright woman, she was pretty stupid, so stupid that instead of fessing up
and bowing out gracefully, she thought it was in her best interest to continue
to lie her way thru this. Finally, the time came for me to give in and give her
what she wanted. She wanted out, FINE.
You want a divorce- Here are the papers.
SHE WENT NUTS- She ransacked the house-destroying every picture, frame, video
and valuable that symbolized our marriage. She threw my personal items in the
sewer and garbage and did so in broad day light in front of my neighbors. She
dented and smashed my car and threw a glass at me in my house. She was arrested
for assault.
She as well as her alleged boyfriend pleaded" the 5th" when questioned in her
deposition and she continues to pay her attorney on a daily basis currently
totaling in excess of the area of $35,000. (so I hear)
All because she's afraid to say she did something
wrong...........................
Simply to get her out of my life (like most sane men would do) I have given her
everything. Furniture, investments. 401, vehicles. I've kept the debt
accumulated and simply want to move on with my life.
My kids ask me every day-"Daddy? When are you going to move into your new home
so we can come stay with you?"
I simply tell them " Someday, hopefully soon"
She did all of this to her family, her children and her pocketbook for what -
to get laid?
Isn't getting a little piece of "strange" worth $35k. Just think of all of the
"D" batteries you could buy with that cash!
HEY LADIES- ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE- THE GRASS ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER
SIDE.
YOU ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE- SPECIFICALLY MY EX IFYOU ARE READING THIS!!!!!
BTW- The other guy? Is nowhere to be found.
Who's laughing now!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA


12.04.02

Hi K,

I threw "divorce sucks" into google and came up with your article. It's good to
hear that at least it ended on a good note, that you and your ex are mature
about it and things are working better for you both, well at least for you
anyway. I'm going through a divorce and I guess I'm being pessimistic about it.
My main reason is that, I too, am unhappy, I think both me and my soon-to-be ex
are. It seems that I married her family and not just her, and our marriage
always seems to come last in her priorities. With her, she'll drop everything
when it comes to her family, but will drop us at the same time. I'm tired of
being last priority. We have two children also, they're too young to know what
exactly is happening. We've been seperated for the last two months. Just the
other night, we had an arguement. We were supposed to sit down and discuss the
future, something we've both neglected. She said we'll meet at 6:00 pm. 6:00
pm came and went. I repeatedly called her cell phone, no answer. I dropped my
kids to her mother's house (she resides there now with the children), and she
gets upset. She says "why did you do that?". I got upset because I wanted some
kind of closure to this, the anxiety of "what's next?" was eating away at me.
She says she was helping her sister with a project. Exactly. I brought it up
"That's exactly what I'm talking about, we're always last, you and I, us". Her
reply was "There is no more us". I'm in a lot of pain right now. I go about my
business, at work, around my friends. I have that feeling of something eating
at me inside. My appetite is gone. I can't believe its over. Our
relationship has been rocky for the last year, we've been married for three,
together for six counting the years of dating. I don't drink, do drugs, abuse
her or the children. I'm considered a nice person by everybody I know. Is what
I'm doing wrong? Thanks for your words, they comforted me. I know I have a hard
road to travel within the coming months, but at least there's hope for a light
at the end. Thank you Karina, I hope for a reply.

Sincerely,
Brian


K-Says...I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. The problem is that you can't
change people and that's where your stress comes in. When I let go of the
things that I wanted my husband to change and just accepted that he was always
going to be that way, I was able to make a decision and move on. He is the one
who has to live with the fact that he lost his marriage because of one simple
issue that could have saved it. I quit fighting with him and began to move on
with my life, for the benefit of my kids and myself. I devoted 11 years to him
and although he his a wonderful person, we are not meant to be married. In fact
I doubt I would marry again. I don't need a piece of paper confirming that I am
committed to someone. You can drown in your own self pity, or you can pick up
and move on, for your kids and yourself. In the end you will be much happier
and you will have taught your kids strength, maturity and independence. Never
depend on other people to make you happy and satisfied. You make yourself happy
first and if another person comes along and is able to provide even more
happiness, then it's a bonus. But do not let it consume you and control you.
Good Luck and do what is best for your kids and yourself!


11.26.02

Hello K:
I put "divorce sucks" into the yahoo search engine, and your article came up. I
must admit that I was disappointed. Your article started out promising enough:
... I happen to be one of those incredibly stubborn people who actually
expects people to keep their promises...silly me. I was born not to trust
people and I guess I had a slip of one of my cerebral nerves or something.
Then, a couple of paragraphs later, I find out that it was YOU who left your
spouse:
I feel guilty for leaving him, but not guilty enough to spend the next 50
years of my life unhappy.
Wait a minute! Who broke her promise to whom? Who misplaced his trust in the
person he married? Sounds like YOU can't keep a promise and that YOU can't be
trusted. It also sounds like divorce is just A.O.K. with you--it saved you from
being "unhappy". Instead of "Divorce Sucks", you should call your article,
"Commitment Sucks; Divorce Good".
By the way, I'm an attorney, I'm divorced, and it was HER decision. Also, I
wanted the kids but she got them anyway, and now she's raising them like trailer
trash. Hence, the chip on my shoulder. Thanks for listening!
--Chris

K-Says...Sorry you're divorce went so badly. Fortunately ours is amicable and I
happen to be a great mom, as well he is a great father. I think you
misunderstood the article. MY trust was broken by him for the last ten years.
He didn't keep his commitment and promises to me. (I won't go into details)
Does that mean that I am supposed to stand by someone's side who is not
committed to me? Somehow that doesn't seem fair to me or our kids. I have
bent over backwards to try and make our marriage work.

If commitments and promises don't work within the marriage, then the one's that
were made at the altar will fall apart.
Commitment works both ways and had I been the one to breech the trust then I
would expect him to divorce me also.