K-Says...Get Off My SUV!

Get Off My SUV!
By: KK

Did you know that the bored and ignorant folks in this country have now decided that SUV's are the new anti-Christ? Since I own an SUV I am upholding my faithful heathen standards. I'm so proud! I feel the overwhelming need to address the complaints of the Fred Flintstone vehicle owners and set them straight.

SUV owners have been accused of gas guzzling. I don't guzzle gas. I guzzle beer and other spirits...but that's a whole other story. How much gas I feed my SUV is my business. I'm not stealing any gas from you. Your little peddle pusher hasn't run out of gas because my SUV hogged it all up. The gas stations aren't closing down because SUV's are sucking them dry. There's plenty of gas to go around...trust me. Please take note that how much I spend on gas is my business. Unless of course you decide to pick up the tab and then it's your business to pay the bill. It costs about $34.00 a week to fill up my truck. I can afford that. So why are you so concerned with how much I spend on gas? I'm not concerned that it costs you $1.50 a month to buy a new pair of flip-flops to
run your peddle pusher. Please stay out of my finances.

Of course let's not forget how much SUV's pollute the air. I've taken this into serious consideration and have come up with several other things that pollute the air much more than an SUV. Just to name a few:

-Semi-trucks
-Buses
-Airplanes
-Pig Farms
-People with intestinal problems
-Hot dog factories

One of my all time favorite complaints. SUV's are too big! Oh my GAWD!! Are they really? Too big for who? Why does it bother you if they are large? They fit in the lanes on the road, just like your peddle pusher. They fit in the parking spots, just like your peddle pusher. In fact, some establishments even offer special parking for "compact peddle pushers". Stop bitching about space and size. Your little peddle pusher gets a special parking spot, right next to the handicap spots. Geez, don't act so damn abused and neglected you spoiled brat. I have yet to see a parking space especially for SUV's. My SUV is feeling a little left out. It's just screaming "LAWSUIT!".

Since we all think that size is so important in other aspects of life, let me clarify why size is important in the vehicle that I spend most of my day in. I have two kids, ten to fifteen animals, carpooling, groceries, large items to haul and that's just for starters. It's nearly impossible to fit all of that into one vehicle at the same time, which is exactly what I do just about everyday. Most importantly, who do you call when you need to move your oversized crap that won't fit in your peddle pusher? Me! I'm starting to feel a little used!

Of course the most important issue to me is safety. I feel much safer driving my brood around in a vehicle that stands a few feet higher than yours. I don't feel this way because I feel superior (which is not a bad feeling), I feel this way because when you are so angrily focused on my SUV and lose control of your peddle pusher then I know that you will slide under me and not into me. SUV's are safer modes of transportation. They have all the safety features of your peddle pusher, with the advantage of size. When your airbags deploy you are run over like a Jiffy-Pop bag and you are scattered all over the road like popcorn. When my airbags deploy my family and I just had the privilege of a "squeezing the Charmin" moment. We are alive.

So the next time that your narrow and bored mind feels the need to complain about something so trivial as a "vehicle"... might I suggest you find a hobby? Maybe a hobby in Afghanistan...like making Burkhas, finding Osama, etc.??

Readers Respond

02.09.03

My American-made Chevy SUV burns about $50 a month more in gas than the
average car burns. A portion of that $50 goes overseas to buy the crude
oil from which that gasoline is made. I find it ironic that the very
people that criticize my "gas-guzzler" often themselves drive
$30,000--$40,000 foreign-made cars.

Let's see now.....part of my $50 per month goes overseas, yet they are
sending $30--40,000 overseas and they are the ones complaining about the
choice I made to buy my SUV ! What is wrong with this picture

Hey didn't you know that all the serious studies about car safety show
that SUVs aren't as safe as small cars? for example here is a link:
http://autobuy.about.com/cs/trends/a/suvsafety150.htm
No matter how you feel in your SUV, just because it feels safer it doesn't
make it safer. It isn't safer for you and and it isn't definetly safer for
the other drivers, if you care for everyone else's life. If you don't
believe me I'm sure you can find plenty of information and white papers on
this topic, if you are the kind of person who like to have the correct
information.
Jose L.

K-Says...The article that you sent to me lacks in concrete statistics and
it is also mainly based on one persons opinion. Just like my article was
based on my opinion. Based on the research that I did before purchasing
my particular SUV, my family is safer than they would be in a smaller car.
Contrary to the beliefs of most small car owners, SUV owner's do not
drive all over town looking to run the wee one's over.