Growing Kids
By: KK

Copyright @2002

Last week two children walked down my hallway and claimed to by my seven year old daughter and my eight year old son. I exclaimed that there must be some mistake and screamed where the hell are my babies??? I swore that the night before I had just laid them in their cribs and how the hell did they get out?? These children looked at me a little odd and matter of factly stated, "Mom, you have officially lost your mind." They rolled their eyes, asked what's for breakfast and abruptly pushed by me.

I always thought that I was growing old too quickly. Well I finally peeled my wrinkled face away from the mirror and noticed that my children were growing up way too fast.

My eyes were pasted to them for the first three years of their lives in a state of expectation over every new thing that they did. Now the only time that I see them is for ten minutes before school as they woof down their cereal and spit milk at each other, ten minutes at dinner when they argue over the ketchup and how they don't like hot dogs anymore and an hour during homework when they yell
at me for not doing their homework for them. I am convinced that they have taken up a second residence at the home of their friends and that it is quite possible that the parents have adopted them without my knowledge. I imagine that the parents will be asking for child support soon.

When they were toddlers I was immensely proud when they spoke their first words. Now I wish they would shut the hell up. When did 'Hey You' become the synonym for Mama? 'Whatever', 'I don't think so' and the ever popular 'It wasn't me', are the
staples of my children's vocabulary. Yelling and tattling are an art form in my house. I distinctly remember teaching my children good manners and how to treat others "nicely". They obviously had selective hearing during those particular lessons and have made it their goal in life to out sass each other. I could wash their mouths out with soap, but soap comes in yummy flavors these days and therefore wouldn't have the same effect it had on me when I was their age. I could spank them, ground them and yell back. But I always have to keep in mind that they will be picking my nursing home in a few years and it might do me good to just keep my mouth shut. Now, don't get me wrong. I do my best to referee their belligerent attitudes towards each other. But if they speak to me with a smart mouth, I pat them on the head and tell them how proud I am that they are turning out to be just like their mother. I am highly entertained when their eyes roll to the back of their heads.

I am a big believer in safety and have annoyed the crap out of my children with safety rules and how to use the phone in an emergency. Bad idea. It is not a bad thing to teach your children how to use the phone, just don't give them your cell phone number. I was a very proud Mom when my children memorized my cell phone number. Until they started to abuse it. Please keep in mind that my children are home with a babysitter who's job it is to handle my children's problems when I am not there. Little did I know that my children like to believe that they are home alone and that only Mom can handle life threatening emergencies like, "he won't stop touching me!" I was forced to finally put a stop to the endless and pointless cell phone calls that I was receiving before I even left the garage. One day I entered a store and before I had even selected a wobbly cart my cell phone had rang over five times.

On the other end was my son who calmly states, "Mom, please tell her to stop breathing on me."

I responded with a sharp, "What?"
"She won't stop breathing on me."

I took a deep breath and exploded, "You called to tell me that your sister won't stop breathing on you?! If you ever call my phone again and it is not an emergency, both of your asses will be in a foster home!"

Click.

I waited, but the phone did not ring again. I couldn't help but giggle at the stupidity of it all and then I heard another giggle. I turned around and there stood another mother who gave me a thumbs up and said, that was good!

Children grow out of everything, their clothes, their mouths, our home and us. When they were infants I could not wait to see them grow up. Now that they are growing up I can't believe how fast it has gone by, where the hell was I and when are they moving out? I have spent the last few years teaching them to be independent and respectful. They have spent the last few years learning new
cuss words and forgetting to come home. I imagine that they will call when they are fighting and they will come home when they are hungry and need money. Hopefully they will bring their children to visit me in my nursing home and I will sit there with my IV full of wine and giggle, knowing that history always repeats itself.