Hemorrhoid Hell
by: KK
Copyright @2001

Now most people would be embarrassed to discuss something so personal. Obviously I'm not one of those people. I suffered from this filthy little growth not once, but twice.

One of these disgusting little bubbly blisters decided that my ass was quite nice and it promptly took up residence. Glue a large marble to your ass and light it on fire. This is what a hemorrhoid feels like.
Of course I was forced to confront the pain between my cheeks. I had to get the visual. One foot on the counter, ass cheeks spread. Yep, it's there, but the magnifying mirror gave me a little more information than I needed to know. I actually saw it smile and wave at me. The monster dared me to make it go away. I smothered it with creams, gels and suppositories. The monster giggled and knifed me.

I was forced to make the call. My gynecologist told me that this was not his "area". Fine. A butt doctor it would be. Sorry, Proctologist. I made the appointment. I wanted to use an alias, but they would ask for identification. I didn't have time to have a fake one made up.

I arrived at the doctors office in a cute little sun dress. Oh, and a thong that was entertaining and irritating the monster. I thought the dress would provide easier access to the "area". I sat in a waiting room with people that were as old as reptiles. It occurred to me that the doctor may not be in his right mind to choose to do this for a living. Who the hell wants to spread cheeks all day? Maybe they thought that I was applying for a job. Someone this young could not possibly have butt problems.

I'm certain that when my name was called, Peru could hear it.

I was taken to an examination room. My nerves were somewhat calmed when I saw the examination table. It was identical to my gynecologist's table, stirrups and all.

I said to myself, "All right, I think I can handle this. "

The nurse says, "Just take your panties off, lie on the table and put this sheet over you from the waist down."
I'm thinking, "This is not so bad. Not any more embarrassing than the gynecologist."

She left the room.

I propped my ass, monster and all up on the table. Put my feet in the stirrups, adjusted the sheet over my waist, scooted my butt down and waited for the doctor.

A soft knock on the door.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes," I answered.

The nurse and a gorgeous doctor (who would have ever guessed that a drop dead handsome guy would decide to become a butt doctor?) entered the room. I was mortified...he was really cute.

They both looked at me a little odd.

Then the nurse softly stated, "Roll over honey, your knees go in the stirrups, not your feet."

I looked for sharp objects to slit my wrists...humiliation is an understatement. I followed instructions and rolled over, knees in the stirrups, sheet over my waist. I am now ass in the air...well not quite yet. The table begins to move. The floor is getting closer to my face, which means my ass is rising higher into the air. The sheet is lifted over my ass and I'm quite sure at this point the doctor can see the color of my eyes through my anus.

I am now told that the "area" will be numbed. I think, "Good! I won't feel a thing! "

What the terrorists failed to tell me was how they were going to numb that area.

A needle. Although I didn't actually see the needle, I'm sure it was a Ginsu knife.

A pinch, it was not. An Ice pick, impaled under your fingernails would better describe the pain.

They said, "relax". That's kind of hard to do considering that I didn't recall giving permission to be forced into doggy position. I cried and hoped that I wouldn't fart in the doctors face.

The sweet, handsome doctor asks, "Can you feel this?"

I silently wept and said, "Can you?"

Once I was numb the monster was removed in a matter of seconds and I was told that I could now get up and walk around with gauze between my legs, to help control the small amount of bleeding.

I asked, "Do I need painkillers, antibiotics, etc?"

The nurse sweetly replied, "No honey, you'll be fine."

Liar.

I could not walk, sit, shit, or even remotely think of putting pressure on the "area" for over a week.
NO PAIN KILLERS! Sadists!

A month later...the monster had the nerve to come back. I killed him too.
 

Readers Respond

07.21.02

Dear K,
I just stumbled across your website today, by accident. I was looking for
hemmorhoid treatments for a friend and it pulled up one of your pages. LOL

I also live in Las Vegas and have worked as a dancer at Cheetahs. LOL I
enjoyed your candid articles very much. The stuff you said about stripping
had me rolling. I named the VIP room there "The Jizz Room" because the
couches had these gross crusty spots all over them. Yeeech! I'm with you
on doing the too-nasty dances. Forget it!
I am sorry to hear about your cancer and I hope things work out for you!!
Glad to hear you are getting treated out of town.
Take care and best wishes,
Carolyn

07.17.02

And saw that my sister has been here, throwing my URL about all
willy-nilly. I am now officially hooked on your site, and am therefore
requesting that you stick around for a long, long time to provide us more
merriment. Please.
Kim (Kelli's sister)