Hostile Hostage Man
By: KK

Copyright @2002

Let me start off with saying that what you are about to read is not exaggerated in any way...I'm certain that this beast is wanted in 38 different states.

My wonderful girlfriend calls me from work one night and raves about this wonderfully cute guy she just met and since she thinks that I really need to meet some nice guys would I like to meet him and his friends for drinks....now? I'm bored and I accept. Silly me...

Night One: I meet him and his friends at a local pub. Everything is running smoothly. He is good looking, polite, opens doors, pays for everything and is the perfect gentleman. We all head to a club and dance, drink and have a great time. I'm really liking this guy and he's really digging me. He made no passes, just a nice good night kiss and I'll call you tomorrow.

Throughout the week: We talk on the phone daily and I realize that he is quite the workaholic and I am detecting signs of impatience and slight mood swings. He's a busy boy, so I blow it off and decide that he just needs a little break from work to relax. He is the type that is either in "work mode" or "play mode". I want to play. We finally set up a date for Saturday...dinner and a few games of pool.

Friday Night: My friends invite me to a concert and a night out. Hostile Man calls and asks if I want to do something that night. I did the right thing and blew him off. Sorry, I have plans, but I will call you after the concert and we'll see if we can hook up. After the concert I call him and we all agree to meet at a new strip club that just opened up. From the concert the four people that I'm with (male and female) and myself decide to all ride in my truck. One of my friends is driving.

We get to the club and I quickly spot Hostile Man with one of his friends. We all find a table and Hostile Man's true colors start to flicker in and out of our conversations. Mood swings would be an understatement...the man needed fucking Midol. He's getting antsy so we all decide to head back to the hotel to pick up everyone's cars and meet at my friend's house to party. While my friend is handing over the valet ticket, Hostile Man decides to jump in the driver's seat. I was a little thrown off by this but blew it off as a little overflow of testosterone and jumped in the front seat with him. A little visual for you: Hostile Man is driving, I am in the front passenger seat, three men were in the back seat holding my girlfriend in their laps. Hostile Man now morphs into Mario Andretti.

I was unaware that my truck went 435 mph, especially on two wheels. We get back to the hotel and Hostile Man asks my friend where do I turn? Before my friend can respond with, "make a left here"...Hostile Man screams, "I know where the fuck I'm going!"

 Hostile Man missed the turn. He now rips through valet, kills several pedestrians and uses my truck to strip cars of rearview mirrors. He's pissed. Now that he's missed his turn and it's our fault, we decide to go to another club a block away. The look of fear has washed over all of the faces in the back seat and I was wondering how I'm going to peel my friends off the back window. My girlfriend decides that she would like to listen to a different CD. Hostile Man declares that he likes the song that is playing and that she had better re-think touching that CD player. She recoils.

Everyone hold on....we're going on a mood swing...we get to the next club and Hostile Man sweetly looks at me and states, "see honey, I parked right up front in valet, just like you like." Meanwhile my friends are running for the door and and looking for escape routes. Once in the club we all seem to be having a good time. Once we leave the club, Hostile Man refuses to let anyone else drive. Back to the hotel we race. When I suggest that he please slow down, his oh so friendly outburst was, "I own six fucking race cars, I know what the fuck I'm doing."

Enough said...as far as I'm concerned the date is over and my life is in danger. Hostile Man proceeds to jet through the hotel valet as my friends jump out for their lives. Fortunately they didn't hit the pavement too hard and lived to tell about their adventures.

I turn to Hostile Man and morph into Hostile Woman, "since I know where we are going, pull over and let me drive and by the way, I think that you need to go back to the redneck hell that you were conceived in."

I was quite surprised that someone from hell would have such a chilly response.

He hisses, "I don't like your friends. They are stuck up and I cannot handle the faggot in the leather pants. Those are just not my type of people and if that's who you hang out with then you're just like them."

Ooooh....scary!! "Pull the fuck over NOW!"

 For once in that evening he actually did what he was told. I proceeded to lash him with my witty sense of anger and told him to get the fuck out of my truck. He now hits the gas, sending me flying towards the back seat. I spend the next hour being verbally assaulted and threatened. He drove me out to the desert, demanded that I shut up, demanded that I explain comments that I made to him, insisted what a bitch I was and by the way he never wanted to see me again. Really?? I was so looking forward to our Saturday date asshole!

Like a good little girl (because I wanted custody of my vehicle again) I shut up, I spoke quietly, I counseled, I answered his questions and then the real me unleashed itself and my tongue occasionally got out of control...it also sent him into psycho mode. I was being held hostage and I was afraid that this drunk redneck was going to physically hurt me. I'm also too stubborn to get out of my own truck and let him drive off with it. I really wanted to kick his ass...bad!

He finally screeched to a halt in front of a house that he declared was his. Earlier he had stated that he didn't want me to know where he lived for fear that I would stalk him...wishful thinking for a jerk off. The minute he was out of the drivers side I jumped behind the wheel and he yells, "we will discuss this later!"

My ever so sarcastic tongue let loose with, "don't waste your breath!"  Hostile Man heads back to my truck and the door was promptly slammed in his face and some very large tread marks were left in front of his house.

I called my girlfriend the next day and told her that her dating services were no longer needed and she shouldn't quit her day job!

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