Labor and Delivery
by: KK
Copyright @2001


 

Read Diary of a Pregnant Woman First

 

The first thing sperm donor will do is grab your best towel and insist that you to put it between your legs. God forbid if you should wet on his beautiful leather seats.

Sperm donor will take full advantage of fulfilling his dream of being Mario Andretti. He is not speeding to get you to the hospital to safely have the baby. He is taking comers on two wheels to guarantee that the child is not born in the car he worships.

Although you registered with the hospital at conception, your name will not be in the computer when you arrive. Make it very clear to the receptionist that finding your name is not an issue, but that finding a bed, painkillers and a doctor is. The receptionist will try to calm you and tell you that there is nothing to worry about, "people have babies everyday". Prop your fat ass on her desk, spread your legs and push. This will guarantee you a free wheelchair ride to the suite of your choice.

Your suite will consist of a twin bed for you, a garden chair for sperm donor and cup of ice chips. You will receive many gifts. A needle in your wrist, a seat belt around your belly, an enema, (to prevent you from delivering something other than a child) and large piece of loose leaf paper to wrap around your naked body. If you have even considered delivering natural...you are demented and welfare should take that child the second it's born. Although you are only feeling mild cramping, now is a good time to request heroin.

The little box next to your bed is to monitor the heart beat of the baby and the strength of the contractions. Wrong. It's to tell you how much pain the little bastard is about to cause you. It's a Richter scale.

Nurse Neanderthal has informed you that it's time for an exam. "Let's see haw much you have dilated, if the baby has dropped into the birth canal and I promise you this will only be a little uncomfortable." Nurse Neanderthal will probe you with her entire fist up to her elbow. She enjoys this. She's a sadist and a lesbian. You will scream, kick and thrash around. She will tighten the seat belt and tell you to calm down, it's not that bad. Keep a weapon under your pillow for future attacks.

When your body assaults you with a contraction, scream. Loud. Jaime Curtis loud. It scares the shit out of the people in the rooms next to you and you will have the nurses running around like mice. Nurse Neanderthal will try to probe you again...club her. Take her hostage and demand drugs.

Sperm donor tries to calm you and rubs your back. Club him and calmly tell Nurse Neanderthal that have never before seen this man in your life and to call security.

The anesthesiologist will arrive and give you instructions that if you move while he's inserting the PVC pipe in your back, that you could be paralyzed for life. Kindly inform him that being paralyzed is the least of your concerns and that the longer it takes him to insert the pipe, the more limbs you will remove from his body.

It's been well over 62 hours and you have only dilated to a 4. The delinquent needs to be removed and the doctor gives you the option of a C-Section or the salad tongs. Let's weigh this decision. The delinquent can be removed via a steak knife or salad tongs.. Lost your appetite yet? At this point it would be less hassle to have the delinquent removed from your armpit.

You are wheeled off to the delivery room and sperm donor decides to tag along. It is soon discovered that the delinquent is face up. The solution to this? The doctor will give you an Episiotomy the size of a peninsula. He will insert salad tongs and turn the your stomach inside out. Nancy Neanderthal and her side kick Igor will then place both of their forearms on your belly and push downwards. Now, if you think at this point that the epidural should cover this pain...once again you are hallucinating. Pushing does absolutely nothing to get the baby out. It only pushes out your organs, bowels, after birth and lots of hemorrhoids. You will have lost all bodily functions and still be fat.

Request a scalpel to slit your wrists.

After a tremendous amount of pushing, pulling and tugging, the wrinkled up raisin is born. He's blue, screaming and doesn't resemble anything from this planet. Yes, you must take him home. Big, tough sperm donor is unconscious and requires CPR. Poor baby couldn't handle the sight of blood.. .next time adopt.

Readers Respond

12.26.02

I stumbled across your Labor and Delivery article while searching for
anything similar to my own organ-twisting brain-hemhorraging
sperm-donor-hating-want-to-kill-you-slowly-and-painfully-for-ever-touching-my-body-and-subsequently-
taunting-me-for-electing-every-drug-known-to-man-instead-of-the-bullshit-of-natural-childbirth
and now I'll be damned if I'm not two hours late for the big day after
Christmas sale at Wal-Mart (I believe the need to attend is a subconscious
vaginal thing because I really have zero desire to body slam some
toothless trailer park welfare bitch over some piece of shit that wasn't
meaningful enough for me to buy for full price in the first place.) I just
couldn't stop reading and wanted to send a "shout out" to you for "keeping
it real". By the way, when's the Snoop Dogg essay going to hit the
presses? I know there must be one brewing in there somewhere. If it
hasn't struck a nerve yet (the one right next to the Last Straw), just
wait until some random five-year-old walks up to you and says, "Yo, Kizza
in da hizzouse".
Anyway...This is me. Got ya bookmarked.
Later.

01.12.02

why are you so bitter and crass about everything even birth, birth is
supposed to be a good thing. Sure it hurts like hell but you dont have to
treat it like that you should be more nice about it

K-Says...It's called humor, sarcasm, opinions.... Obviously you were
entertained long enough to form your own opinion about what I write so you
found something interesting to keep your short attention span occupied. I
don't have to be nice about anything, that's half the fun of being me.
The other half is amusing myself with people like you that don't know how
to capitalize, punctuate and telling other people how "nice" they should
be. Your definition of nice: agreeable, congenial, favorable, good,
gratifying, pleasing, pleasurable, pleasureful and welcome (Thanks
Webster).
My definition of nice: Boring.