Prison Letter #1
Hello.
How strange it is right now to be writing you right now.
I'm sure this is awkward on that end too. So let me waste no time being fake and
superficial. The bottom line of this letter is to let you know and understand
how I feel, in the hopes that someday we can live and function as a family. When
this all happened I was an idiot, plain and simple, making myself a fool and
hurting everyone around me including my best friend, my wife. I wasn't to be
trusted, I was a young punk on drugs who manipulated everyone to fit into a
selfish agenda. This is what I was, not as a person,but rather it was who I was
anesthetized. Not to take the blame from where it belongs, on me, no rather it
is to state the facts. That isn't who I am,and .Nevertheless must reep the
whirlwind for my actions. I understand that. I also understand that when people
get hurt and trust is breached it is hard to re-galvanize the relationship.
All I can do is be the man I know I need to be, the one I want to be ... the one I am now. Your sister talks to me about you all the time. it hurts me to the heart to know that I caused such turmoil and pain between you and her. When I found out about your ultimatum back in 1998 I was crushed. Hurt. Yet I realized it was all my own doing. Since then I have gone through many emotions concerning you, including anger and disdain, as well as sorrow and compasion. It has been two years since those months back then and I have grown to see the full scope of my error and its effects. I wish I could take it back, believe me I do. Yet all I can do to try and do that is live like I am learning to live, for GOD,in love not hate, for the rest of my days.
No, it doesn't negate, or take back what I have done. Nor does it take the scars awaythat were left on my victims heart as well as mine. My dreams are haunted by this situation, sometimes I can't sit still. I don't like to think about it but my worst victims are the closest ones to me, like your sister. I can't help but realize that in some capacity you too, are victims of this madness.
So at the end of the day it isn't my "goodness" in life,how ever long it endures for me, that will heal the pain and sorrow of this. Rather it is Love itself that heals all and cures all. I hope that you can follow, as I hope for all the victims, were I am going with this and what it is I am expressing. Yes I am saying I am sorry, yet I know more than many that sorry is a sorry word. What I am saying in essence is that I love you and even more so I beg your forgiveness for the mistakes that I have made and the opportunity to earn your trust and even love. Which is what I wish for us all. Also I apologize for.- the feelings of anger and resentment I felt towards you for anything that you have ever done or said about me or your sister, my beloved wife. Please hear these words and know that they come from the wealth of my heart. And know that I relish the thought of hearing from your heart on how you feel, really. I want to be able to show you who I am and would love the opportunity to understand who you are. Whenever you are ready I will be willing and waiting patiently.