Reality Shows
By: KK
Copyright @2001

I am the first to admit that I am a big fan of reality shows. I find them to be hysterical, ridiculous and fabulously entertaining. It is the newest fad at trying to become famous. I have tuned into most of them and have actually become addicted to a couple of them just to see who will be making an ass of themselves that night.

My all time favorite is Temptation Island. The preface of this show is that four couples apply to be deserted on an island with about a hundred gorgeous single people. The couples all want to test the strength of their relationship and see who will cheat first. I personally think the show should just be called, "Our Relationship is Over Island". It is thrilling to watch the jealousy and double standards with these couples. It is absolutely fine for one girl to fondle and dry hump a couple of single guys, but when she sees a video of her boyfriend doing the exact same thing with other girls, she melts down and demands Prozac. When a boyfriend sees the video of his girlfriend naked in a hot tub with five guys, he declares her to be a slut she is and that he now has the right to gargle a bottle of Tequila and mount the next piece of ass that sits in his lap. These couples actually believe that all the liquor, cheating, crying and backstabbing will solidify and make their relationships stronger. Better than any soap opera if you ask me.

Survivor would have to be next on my list. This has to be one of the worst seasons ever. Not one person on this show has a personality and I'm really hoping that one of the tribes gets trampled by a herd of elephants. I will be honest and say that I did apply to be on the next show because I was dying to a eat a maggot and live on a spoonful of rice a day. I figured it would be a great weight loss program and that Jeff guy, the host, is pretty damn cute. Obviously I did not make it. The questionnaire asks what three items would you bring with you if you were chosen. Fairly simple question: 1. fresh meat to lure the lions to come and eat my tribe 2. arsenic to taint the water supply of the other tribe and kill them off and 3. lingerie to entice little Jeffy-poo to hand over the million dollar check. I can't possibly imagine why I was not chosen to be on that show...I'm mystified.

Fear Factor should be changed to Death Wish. This show takes a few people and basically tries to scare the shit out them. Mind you these death defying idiots actually apply to be on this show, so they deserve to fall off the top of that moving bus and become road kill. Let me list a few things that are not on my to-do list in this life time for any amount of money or sex.

1. Eat bull testicles, cow brains, sheep eyes or cat shit.

2. Walk across a moving beam, six million feet up in the air with a video camera attached to my head.

3. Be strapped into an old Cadillac, dropped into a lake, save a plastic baby and scramble to the shore for air. By the way if you drown, you win. If you don't save the fake baby, you lose.

4. Anything with more than four legs or no legs will not touch any surface of my body. I will not lay in a pit and have scorpions, worms, ladybugs, grasshoppers, snakes and pink dragons dropped on me.

These people actually walk away disappointed that they were not killed on the show. Poor babies did not earn their public death.

The Amazing Race is a show that drops your ass off in the middle of the planet and expects you to find your way back to the Statue of Liberty before the other teams do. Fuck that, I'll just bring my own Statue of Liberty, plant her ass right there in the desert and declare myself the winner.

Elimi-Date is one that no one is watching. But I'll give you a quick scenario. Three strangers, one man and two women meet for one all day date. The girls layer on the lust and try to compete for the man. The man basks in this and his dick is hard all day from all of the attention. The girls are catty, bitchy and down right mean to each other. Slut factor is off the charts on this show. In the end the man gets to eliminate one of the women. Of course he picks the easy lay and the amusing part of this show is that they are not competing for any money. They apply for the pure humiliation and fifteen minutes of fame.

There are more shows to list, but there is not any more reality to those than there is to the ones that I have listed. I am obviously easily amused and find great humor in other's humiliation and the fight for quick wealth. Frankly, I am not that desperate, nor do I have the patience to deal people in general. It would be my fifteen minutes of going postal on a basket of lunatics chosen from around the country.