Road Rage
By: KK
Copyright @2001

Let me make it perfectly clear right from the beginning. I am the only person who knows how to drive properly. Yes, I do own the whole damn road and I expect that when you see my two ton truck coming you pull over immediately. I will not be responsible for running you over like a speed bump. You were in my way, you didn't move and you deserved what you got.

Since carrying weapons in your vehicle is illegal in this state, I consider my oversized suburban assault vehicle to be a weapon. If your vehicle is smaller than mine, slower than mine or uglier than mine. I will run you over. I only respect semi trucks...they are bigger than me and they like to have breasts flashed at them.

Issue number one: If you cannot see over the steering wheel, take a bus.

Issue number two: Your gas pedal is on the right and is used for acceleration. Believe it or not, if you actually apply pressure to it, your car will move.

Issue number three: It is absolutely legal to accelerate to the posted speed limit. Going slower does not mean you are driving safer. It just pisses people off.

Issue number four: Do not hit the brakes when you see a green light. ACCELERATE and get your ass through the light so that people behind you can make it through the yellow light!

Issue number five: When entering a freeway, DO NOT stop. Do you see a stop sign there??? NO...hit the gas and merge, merge, merge.

Issue number six: Do not cut me off...I will consider you a speed bump. It is absolutely ok for me to cut you off...I'm bigger.
Issue number seven: If you absolutely must make a left hand turn into traffic, have some balls and get your ass out there. I'll be happy to "nudge" you with my assault vehicle to give you the courage just to make that turn!

Issue number eight: Don't pick your nose in in the car. Yes, I can see you through the tinted windows and I have watched many a person flick boogers in their cars. Where do you think those boogers land? Please pick in private.

Issue number nine: Get off the phone! Most people can't chew gum and walk at the same time. What makes you think that you can dial, talk and drive at the same time.

Issue number ten: Fast lane means FAST LANE. This is the lane for people that want to drive 20-30 miles over the posted speed limit. If you or your vehicle are not capable of reaching those speeds...move over to the senior citizen lane.

Issue number eleven: Making a right hand turn does not require you to swing out into the center lane and turn. If you slow down and turn the steering wheel to the right, you can actually make a right turn without causing an accident. Running over the curb is fine.

My number one pet peeve: RUBBER NECKERS....you will not see body parts on the road. You are backing up traffic. You are pissing people off and 99% of the time it's just a guy getting a ticket. What is the point of seeing a leg in one place and the head ten feet away? Is this going to be dinner discussion when you get home? Sick, sick, sick! Of course I want to see the body parts too...I'm only human.

I have a brilliant idea, (as usual). Make all license plates into phone numbers. Make those cell phones useful. If someone causes you to feel road rage...call them... But be careful what you wish for, they can call you too.
 

Readers Respond

05.19.02

I just got my computer hooked up oh, about 2 months ago and I'm still
exploring some of what it has to offer. I can honestly say, I don't know
too much about it...just learn as I go along.
Yesterday, I came across your web-site somehow and got reading some of it
and I'm impressed with what you wrote and think it is funny that people
who disagree with your subjects let it bother them. I agree and disagree
with various subjects but it's your opinion and you have the right to go
where you want with it.
I'm no college graduate, so the fancy lingo some throw at you doesn't
impress me, but I'm no idiot either. I'm who I want to be. I can relate
to alot of what you say. I too am divorced, but want the friendship to be
there with my ex for my sons sake, I attended Catholic school for 8 years
and don't believe in God after all the crap they taught, I love the beauty
pageant questions and I could've written the one about owning the road (if
I still had my pickup)!
I think my co-workers would like reading your stuff so I sent a few clips
of what you wrote along with your web-address.
Keep building your site and if your the "Bitch" some accuse you of
being....more power to ya!!!
I know I don't let people get the best of me either. You come across as a
strong person and have a sense of humor for what we have to deal with.
Good luck and keep it 'goin!

C Brown