Sex 101
by: KK
Copyright @2001

I feel the need to answer some of the most asked questions regarding sex. Why me? Because I was bored and horny today and thought I might enlighten a few naive stud wanna-be's, virgins, prostitutes and homosexuals.

Does size matter? Do people need air? Do dogs slobber? Hell yes, size matters. Women want to feel something, but don't want it so big that it has to be surgically removed. We also don't want something so small that only a microscope could find it. If your dick hangs to your knees...it's too big. If your dick is buried behind your pubic hair, then it's too small. Six to eight inches, hard, is a fairly satisfying size.

Of course vaginal size matters too. The tighter the better. If it resembles the grand canyon and your dick can work a hula-hoop in there...get the hell out.

Fake boobs or real? This is a matter of preference. But frankly for all of you that say you prefer natural are the first ones to give yourself whiplash when the fake machine guns walk by. Boobs are boobs. Some are blessed, some are not. Men: if you have man boobs...please have them removed.

Anal? Generally, a woman will not get giddy at having anything inserted into the Hershey highway. That is not a free access area unless she consumes a tremendous amount of liquor and she is near comatose. Gay men provide a lifetime membership to the rectal area.

Masturbation? If you don't masturbate, then RUN to the nearest psychiatrist and find out why you are such an idiot...go on RUN.... Women who get jealous when your man masturbates...RUN. You're selfish to think that it has anything to do with your sex life. He can be fantasizing about anything from the cat to the mailman. He will still screw you later. Men who feel that they are not satisfying their mate when she masturbates...you have issues...RUN. Masturbation should be a part of everyone's life...breakfast, lunch, dinner, with your mate, without your mate, on a train, in a plane, with green eggs and ham and even at your local Denny's. If you can't satisfy yourself....you cannot satisfy someone else.

Which position is the best? The top three: Doggy style, missionary, woman on top. Missionary bores me unless props and toys are brought in. Woman on top hits all the right spots for both people. Also good for lazy men and women with strong knees. Doggy style...it's amazing what you can learn from watching your dogs. Woof...woof...baby!

Porno? Let's see, I have the choice of watching starving, crabby people on Survivor or people fucking....hmmmm. For those women that are too "uptight" to watch porno, this would probably explain why you can't get a date and you're still a virgin at 42. These are the same women who dress in the dark, shower with their panties and bra on, and live with lots of cats. Men are born with a porno video in one hand and his dick in the other.

Oral? I can't believe that this is even a question...but for the sexually illiterate I will explain. Men will make you sign a contract guaranteeing that they receive a certain amount of blow jobs throughout your relationship. Women if you think of it as the fountain of youth just suck your way to beauty. Men, do not thrust, grab the back of our heads or shout anything to the effect of "suck it slut". Unless you want regurgitated semen on your belly, don't even contemplate us swallowing. Women, don't yank, squeeze, bite or gag when blowing a man. This gives him permission to come in your mouth.

The rules of muff diving are simple: Don't lick and slobber on our vaginas like the dog licks his balls. Don't spit on it, act like your looking for buried treasure or go near the clit. Approach it with a gentle tongue. If we require more pressure we will grab the back of your head and and apply the necessary force. You will be our prisoner until we are finished. Don't attempt to kiss us afterwards. If we won't swallow your snotty juice, what makes you think we want to taste our own?

Premature ejaculation? This will not pose a problem and can be easily overlooked. By the third time, it's a habit and your services are no longer needed.
Girl on girl fantasy? This one amuses the hell out of me. For most of you, it's just that....a fantasy. If your woman doesn't masturbate, watch porn or give blow jobs you can be fairly certain that she is not up for the girl on girl thing. Frankly, most men should thank the bartender that at least one girl was willing to screw them, let alone two.

Shaving? Yes. The last thing a woman wants to sleep with is Big Foot. We do not want to run our fingers through your back hair, butt hair or pubic hair. Women if your pubic hair is crawling down your legs, might I suggest a weed wacker. Body hair in small amounts is fine. If grizzly bears are knocking on your door claiming to be long lost relatives, you have a problem.

Foreplay? A guy gets a hard on while sleeping. A woman needs a little more attention. Once again, gentle is the key here. Caress, don't grope. Kiss, don't slobber or suck. Pinching nipples is the equivalent of having your dick bitten into. Breasts are not melons and you don't need to squeeze to check for freshness. Do not finger us as if you lost something down a drain. If your dick is not allowed in our anus, neither is your finger. If your tongue is not a Q-Tip then don't consider sticking it in our ear.

Sex Toys? Years ago I was the average woman with the average plastic, banana colored, battery operated vibrator. I, as well as all of my girlfriends, have now graduated to the back massager...fondly known as The Harley. Yes, it's a little large and cumbersome, but peeling yourself off the ceiling has never been so much fun. This is only for the experienced masturbator. Amateurs will end up in the emergency room of their local hospital. Disclaimer: All toys incorporated into your sex life must be mutually agreed upon by both participants. Do not surprise your partner with the sudden jab of a twenty foot dildo...that's grounds for murder.

Location? The absolute only place to have sex is any place that you might get caught. Malls, football fields, bathrooms, drive-thru's and churches are excellent locations. The more people that you shock the better orgasm you both will have. Once you are in the back seat of the police car, make sure to give the officer a good show. Cell mates enjoy the entertainment too.
 

Readers Respond

07.18.02

i was just reading your sex 101 piece and i read the oral part
can you explain to me why it is ok for the women to grab the back of the
head to apply enough pressure but the men cannot grab you head
why is this is this not a little unfair

K-Says...Most women don't want to end up in the emergency room having a
penis removed from their throat, that's assuming that a man's dick is big
enough to reach the back of her throat in the first place. I'll admit
that it's a little unfair to grab the back of a man's head. But I find
it's usually necessary since the men I've known don't seem to know how to
follow simple directions and they need a little "guidance" and a road map.