K-Says...Softie Speed Freak

Softie Speed Freak
By: KK

I don't make it a habit to pull over to the side of the road and pick up men. But we had been sitting at a red light for 10 minutes ogling each other and since he had the balls to motion for me to pull over, I thought what harm could he be? If he caused any problems I would just accidentally run him over with my SUV.

He turned out to be handsome, single, never married, had zero kids, had a good job and quite a hyper personality like myself. Little did I know that my hyperness comes naturally and his was drug induced.

We had the typical I can't wait to see you attitude for about 48 hours. Then he wanted to introduce me to his family.

Rule No. 1: I don't do families. I have my family and nobody meets them unless we have been dating for quite some time...which so far not one man has been able to keep my attention long enough to earn the privilege of meeting my children. I also have zero interest in meeting anyone else's family. It's a little to personal.

I decided to accept the assignment and meet the family. They turned out to be incredibly friendly and I almost killed grandma when I tripped on her oxygen cord. I choked down the overcooked family meal, kicked him under the table and gave him the family time is over look. He had half a brain and got the clue real quick. Off we went. I was terrified that the family was flipping through bridal magazines as we left.

We were off to the movies. Mistake.

Rule No. 2: I live in Las Vegas, I am spoiled when it comes to parking. It's a minor spoil, but just the same...I expect to park in valet. If you have ever been to Vegas then you will notice that the parking garages are not located anywhere near the hotels. They are usually located in a distant state that doesn't have the word Nevada in it. He proceeded to park in the garage...points were quickly removed from his card.

Take note that in the last 48 hours of knowing this man he did nothing but brag about his job and how much money he makes. He thought he was a mini Donald Trump. At the ticket office he acted like a homeless man scraping ten dollars together and bitching about it the entire time. I, being the lady that I am did not make an offer to pay for a fucking thing. Not only did I have to tolerate the family, I was invited to this movie and after the conflict at the ticket counter I assumed that popcorn and a soda were out of the question. I was right.

Rule No. 3: Do not remove your shoes and prop your smelly ass feet up on the seat in front of you. Rule No. 3 1/2: Don't narrate, laugh obnoxiously or tell the entire theatre what is going to happen next. More points gone.

He invites me to his house for dinner. I'm thinking this shouldn't be too bad. After all he's quite the bragger about how much money he spends. I should have brought my gun. The neighbors were all packing weapons, the dog was something out of the Cujo movie and if I sneezed his house would have blown over. About this time is when his personality starts to get a little sporadic and unpredictable. Not violent...but later I would find out that his constant disappearances and mood swings were a result of the speed/cocaine that he ingested every five minutes. Dinner was fine, the dog didn't try to kill me but I did find the one cat on the planet that I was deathly allergic to. I thought I just give it a little more time, how bad could it be?

Not to brag or anything but I consider myself pretty damn good in bed...so not once did it occur to me that it was my fault that he couldn't keep his dick hard. Not once did he ever keep it hard...something about the speed/cocaine thing, I'm sure. We tried the sex thing a couple of times and this was pretty much the clincher for me. Since the drug thing hadn't occurred to me yet, I couldn't figure out if he was gay or would rather spend time with his dog. Not once could he keep it up for any length of time, (hence, the name Softie), he didn't like dirty talk (he thought that I was bossing him around) and nobody tells him what to do (his words, not mine) and God forbid if I wanted any pleasure out of this sex comedy because then he decided that he knew when I needed to be alone. I felt like I was in a Dr. Seuss book, yes, I like hard dicks and ham, the problem is I'm only getting spam. I'll take it in a bed, on a boat, in a truck and on a float. Just give me one hard dick that stays and I promise to enjoy it anyway.

The final straw...I was invited to his house for his birthday party. He proceeded to ignore me...I'm certain that the drugs impaired his vision and he had no clue that I was even there. That is until one of his friends decided to come and chat me up. Jealousy is not an attractive thing on anyone, but I had already decided that I was done with Softie Speed Freak and it was time to play by my rules. His friend and I talked through two bottles of wine and Softie finally realized that I was there and green is not a good color on him. He popped his drug induced head in and out of our conversation to eaves drop and make sure we hadn't made plans to bend me over the kitchen counter yet. But other than that he pretty much ignored me until his friend and I went into the house to check out my web site. Softie came out of nowhere and demanded to know what we were doing. I couldn't help myself....I told him that we were looking up porn sites, ordering sex toys and then we were going to fuck like rabbits, since I know that rabbits can keep their dicks hard. Softie didn't find that remotely funny, nor did he get the joke.

Later I left out the back door, without saying good-bye. He left a message asking me what happened and where did I go? Instead of returning the call, I deleted his number from my cell phone. It's been a couple of months and he actually e-mailed me the other day asking about my health and why did I leave like that? I hope that he's not waiting for a response...it's not pretty finding a dead body waiting for his computer to say You've got mail and a limp dick.

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