Sports
By: KK

Copyright @2002

I've always been an athletic person. I love the adventure of a good game and I will try just about anything. I am easily bored by just watching sports. I have an insatiable need to learn and try new things. There are "sports" that I refuse to try, because frankly I don't have a death wish and some just down right sedate me.

Let me elaborate...

Volleyball was a something that I played all through school, juvenile hall and even as an adult. It happens to be one of my all time favorites. I'm the first to admit that I am not really a team player. I hog the ball, yell at the idiots that are afraid of the ball and duck when it comes their way and I have been known to physically attack the poor sports that kick sand in my face. I'm not a violent person, but I am incredibly aggressive, stubborn and I need to win. I favor the physical sports that actually cause a person to crack a sweat. Obviously I don't watch fishing shows. Beaning the fish with a volleyball would be much more entertaining. (Before the animal rights activists start attacking me...the beaning thing is a joke.)

Football is an all time American favorite. Not for me. Lose the body gear and then play. This is where my second favorite sport comes in, Rugby. No gear, very few rules and they just get out there and kick ass. They actually scrape their knees, break bones and basically try to kill each other. That's a sport to me. Americans are so afraid of getting a boo-boo and feel the need to wrap their entire bodies in layers of hard plastic and the little black stripes under their eyes to keep the sun from burning their poor little corneas. I find it highly entertaining that football players wear helmets. I'm not sure what they think that they are protecting. It's not like they actually passed college with any common sense or half a brain. They only passed because they learned how to put on a cup in their freshman year, catch a ball (which my dog does incredibly well) in their sophomore year, put their hands between another players ass cheeks in their junior year and screw the cheerleaders in their senior year. Excuse me if I don't find any talent there.

Skiing I've tried and failed. I'm not the type to give up easily and had my first and last experience with water skiing and snow skiing. I was not remotely amused about having two paddles strapped to my feet, being drug by a boat going 80 mph, only to have my friends scrape my ass off the bottom of the lake and flush the inhaled water from my body. I tried that for about an hour and
decided that I should probably stick to ground sports. Which leads me to snow skiing. Heights give me cardiac arrest, but there's only two ways to get to the top of the bunny hill....walk or ride the death lift. I spent a generous amount of time with an instructor that refused to give me poles. His sadistic attitude was that everyone should learn to ski without poles. I couldn't believe that I actually paid for that lesson. I thought that the most difficult part of the lesson was trying stand up when I fell over every 2 seconds. I soon realized that the instructor had more common sense than me. I would have beat the living shit out of him if I had those poles. In the end, I conquered the "getting up" part. Little did I know that the bunny hill awaited my arrival. After the agonizing ride on the lift I made it to the top of the bunny hill and was promptly hit in the ass with the ever moving seat. Of course that put me face first in the snow. Which of course made my already bad attitude much worse. I was determined to make it down that hill alive. Once I stood up and actually focused on the bunny hill, I realized that someone on a sufficient amount of drugs had not properly named this hill. I quickly renamed it Mt. Everest. My instructions were clear, if I needed to slow down or stop, cross my ski's and if
that didn't work, just lay down. It's amazing how much faster a person flies down a snow covered hill when they cross their ski's. I watched three year old kids cruise by me and if I could have figured out how to trip them then I would have not suffered the humiliation of being passed up by a kid. Needless to say, I was out of control and headed for trees. I crossed the ski's and I finally
laid down and became a human snowball. I collected my body parts and headed for the bar.

Bungee jumping and boxing are not a sports. I refuse to jump off of a bridge with a rubber band attached to my feet and hope that my body doesn't have to be peeled off of the cement below. I don't have desire to fly and feel the wind blow up my nose. That's what electric fans are for. As for boxing, two morons in a playpen, beating the crap out of each other doesn't really hold my interest
for long. Although, Mike Tyson munching on his opponents ear really added a fascinating twist to the event and has peaked my interest into future playpen bouts.

Golf, surprisingly, happens to be a sport that I found out that I actually enjoy. Ok, let me re-phrase that...I enjoy competing with myself and aiming for the ducks. I've learned quite a few new swear words and how to flag down the snack cart. It's the only sport that serves liquor and encourages you to get inebriated to play. My kind of sport!! Unfortunately, Las Vegas is hotter than hell itself and of course that shortens my already short temper. Golf courses in Las Vegas should provide medics for the drunk and overheated players.

Ice skating is a hoot. Attach razor blades to your feet and off you go. I enjoy watching ice skating on television but as for my attempts at trying to conquer this sport, I would rather spend my time peeling my tongue off of the inside of my freezer. I enjoy roller-blading...except I would really like to meet the genius who decided to remove the stoppers from skates. Roller-blading
is a great tree hugging sport and not meant to be attempted in heavy traffic.

Mountain climbing. Ummmm...NO. Sliding down the face of a mountain is not my idea of a good time. Heights is one of the obvious issues here, but attaching spikes to my shoes and relying on a stretch of rope to save my life is down right ridiculous. You know the birds have to be laughing at this one, look at the idiot humans, don't they realize that they don't having fucking wings?!
Nothing like being humiliated by a bird.

Sports usually come down to three types of people...those that want a little exhilaration, exercise and relaxation, those that have a death wish and those that lack the common sense of the average moth.