K-Says...State of Confusion

State of Confusion
By: KK

My entire life has been a whirlwind of confusion, distrust and insecurity. I'm not sure if I should consider them obstacles or if I should just continue to incorporate them into my life.

I have always been confused about who loves me and why? I am a walking contradiction. I wear the mask of great security, but I throw up a wall the minute I feel that I may potentially get hurt. I truly don't care what strangers think of me, but anyone allowed into my little circle will eventually hurt me or I will inadvertently hurt them. Is this human nature or is it just me?

Many people in my life have dragged and shoved me down the right roads. I find myself fighting it all the way. Is it my destiny to race down the roads of conflict? If I come across something or someone that I need or desire I will get it at all costs. I am a hazard to myself. I will be responsible for my own destruction. People who love me end up getting hurt because of my selfishness and insatiable desire to get what I want. My children are my saving grace in keeping me nearly sane and still standing. But I still make selfish decisions and foolishly believe that they won't be affected by the things I have done and will do.

I am not confused about who I am. I am confused about what I want. I sometimes feel that no one is good enough for me and at other times feel that I am not good enough for anyone else. I know I have a great life and that I have been blessed. But I am childish and I get bored easily and that is when I am swept up into a state of confusion and looking for the next exciting thing. Will I spend my entire life losing the good things to find what I think might be the next best thing? Why can't I just be satisfied with what is on my plate? I don't want perfection but I also don't want mediocre. I want and need thrills and surprises and if I don't get it, I will hunt for it at all costs. Will anyone ever be able to satisfy me fully? Will I ever be satisfied at all?

I doubt that I will ever trust people 100%. It is not something that I was ever taught and because of some of my actions, people do not trust me either. I try to put my trust into people, but distrust is always tapping on my shoulder saying, don't do it. What am I afraid of? Why can't I believe in people? Out of all the challenges, chances and dares that I have taken throughout my life, why is trusting people the one chance I am not willing to take?

Will someone ever come along that teaches me how to trust and give myself to them 100%? Will I know it if I see it? I will probably have to be dragged down this road too, kicking and screaming.