Strip Clubs
By: KK
Copyright @2001

Ok, boys let me explain a few things to you. I used to be a stripper, exotic dancer, topless dancer...whatever is politically correct today. Let me tell you a few things you should know before entering a strip club.
Women pay close attention. These are your boyfriends and husbands that visit the clubs...and they lie, lie, lie!! As far as you are concerned once they have entered the breast zone, they have never heard your name.

1. Do not enter the club without cash, a credit card or both...you won't leave with both legs attached.

2. You are not cute, handsome, funny or remotely attractive. You are walking $20 bill.

3. Do not sit at the stage and think that you will get a free show. Dollar bills had better be stacked in front of you and we have carte blanche to help ourselves to as many as we want. If you do not have money sitting in front of you, you will be ignored.

4. Don't touch, lick, bite or even breathe on us. If you do, you will end up with a heel in your crotch and a one way ticket to the alley. The bouncer will entertain you there.

5. Dancers are there to make money, not friends. You can be our friend if you are wealthy and will pay the rent, the car payment, breast implants, etc. If all you have is $20, enjoy the dance and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

6. You will be buying us drinks. Lots of them. The drunker we are, the better you look and smell and the more we can tolerate sitting with you. You will also be drinking a lot. That way we get your money faster and with less effort.

7. Sitting in a dark corner booth does not equal a blow job, knee job or hand job. If your wife/girlfriend doesn't want to touch it, what makes you think we do?

8. Do not ever tell us that the reason you are not buying dances is because, "I'm just not into this whole stripper thing". If your dumb ass is in the club, then you ARE into this "whole stripper thing" and you had better start flashing cash, immediately!

9. If the other reason you are not buying dances is because, "It does nothing for me". Do you honestly think it does anything for us? Do you honestly think that we care if it does anything for you? Move your dumb ass to a gay bar, maybe there's a cute little guy that can "do something for you".

10. Just for future knowledge, $20 is just a minimum. We can charge whatever the hell we want. Dancers are excellent at math. We can count the money in your wallet in the split second it takes you to open it and let the dust out. If cash is a problem, credit cards are not. Cha-Ching!!

11. No, we will not date you. Don't ask.

12. Don't talk dirty to us. You will "accidentally" end up wearing your drink.

13. We will not do a lesbian show unless you have hundred dollar bills taped to your forehead...then we'll consider it.

14. Last but not least, please bathe. There is nothing worse than bad breathe, body odor, dandruff and dirty clothes. If we take the time to shit, shower and shave...so should you.

Strange, broke, drunk men do not turn us on. Come with cash and lots of it. Dancers do not slide down poles for the exercise and we don't walk around naked because we are hot. We want free drinks and lots of cash. We have bills to pay too and we could care less about your bills.
 

Readers Respond

02.24.03

Stripper's
This was good. :-) But would you agree that many of these plastic blondes with their overkill of cheap perfumes and gaudy outfits are just as disgusting as many of the men they service? Just another perspective... Get well soon. You are in my prayers.

06.19.02

Hope you get well soon. I do not attend nightly entertainment such as
what you do and I do not object from you and other women taking money from
dumbness stuffed shirts who think that they are God. I just liked you
comments on what strippers think of men.

06.19.02

hi .... i found your site via a link from rock103.com. i love your writing
and was somewhat inspired buy your page about your cancer . please keep up
your "assitude"(my girlfriend likes that word) and please keep up your
writing . i too am a former jiggle bar employee and particularly liked
those spiels . good luck and god bless ... mike

06.19.02

I found your website linked to
http://web.archive.org/web/20030418140152/http://www.rock103.com/ and
read one story and was hooked. The story on strippers was hillarious! Your
other stories are even better. I have not read everything yet but I will
as I love your wit.
I am sure that your unique outlook on life and your wit will help you beat
your cancer. I am positive you are the type that can look this disease in
the eye and kick the shit out of it. I look forward to more stories when
you are able.
Take care and get well!
Bruce