Taking the Blame
By: KK

Copyright @2001

There is a huge difference between taking the blame and taking responsibility. I have no problem taking responsibility for my actions, but I have finally stopped taking the blame for others' actions.

For all of the years that I was treated like crap, my husband was taken advantage of and my children were treated like they did not exist, my sister and mother seem to feel that I harbor grudges and that I'm too stubborn and should just "get over it". Not once has my mother acted like an adult, acknowledged anyone else's feelings or apologized for her behavior. She has never taken the blame.

According to my family (and I use the term lightly) I am the one with the issues and I should take responsibility for how I was raised. They seem to think that I cannot get out of bed everyday because my thoughts are consumed with my upbringing. My response to that...don't flatter yourselves. The way I was treated will always affect my life, but I don't lose sleep over it and it does not consume me. According to her and my mother, I can't seem to get over the past and if I would just do that then everything would be fine between all of us. The funny part is that my sister was raised with me, witnessed everything, will take my side to my face and then turn around and say that I am too stubborn and I'm holding grudges. My mother does not have contact with this family because she uses and abuses her position and has zero respect for our children or my husband...period! It is not about me like most would like to believe. I will not take the blame for anything prior to the age of 17. How is it that a mother gets any sleep with the fact that she has zero contact with her only two legitimate grandchildren and not once has she made the effort to do so? That would be called not having a conscience.

Tinkerbell and I, much to my great happiness, are finally going to try and mend our wounds. I called our Grandma the other night and my sister answered. The conversation took a turn that I did not expect and once again I was "blamed" for ruining a friendship. She could not give one example as to how I did not try to fix the problem and her only come back was that Tinkerbell did her best to mend this and I did not try hard enough. When she was asked to list how I did not try to fix this, her response was that I put the entire story on the internet and that hurt Tinkerbell's feelings. She said that Tinkerbell tried her hardest and that I basically did nothing. I had already taken responsibility for my part of the argument and my sister once again telling me that I was to blame, was just another slap in the face. I refused to accept the entireblame.

It is amusing to watch people who do not face reality, like to turn the negative spotlight off of themselves and point it in someone else's direction. I used to spend countless hours and days consumed with thoughts of how I fucked things up in my life. Then I sat down one day and realized that most of the negative things in my life come from others and I do not have to take the blame for how others treat my family or I. I am highly entertained by those who have too many legitimate issues to deal with themselves, but run around acting like everything is fine and dandy and it is everyone else's fault for the predicaments that they have gotten themselves into.

I am happy to take responsibility for my own actions. I will not take the blame for what others have done and how they have chosen to treat me. Welcome to my own self-help program. K's "Don't Take the Blame 101".

Readers Respond

K-Says...Now I'm confused..

To K,
there has to be magic in this world...magic in the sense that we innately
know that there are things that we can't explain...
there are just some things that there are no words for...
some things that we can't really express...no matter how hard we try...
we seek comfort...in many ways to fill the hole...
the hole that exists in us...all of us...every living thing...on all
planes..and on all levels...
to fill the hole is to connect with others...on various levels...we feel
the burn of the energy...exchanging...
it burns in us...this energy exchange..
like the addiction of a new found love...
why do humans have this void in our lives?
how do we fill the void? And why?
what are we missing?
the big picture?
or the little?
it all has meaning yet it doesn't.
i only have questions for my answers
and no answers for my questions.
sit up straight and talk right.
up my ass...just as confused as you

06.05.02

Hi K,
I have just read your article on Taking the blame and I
completely agree with what you say. What is it about people like us that
we take the blame, I guess it's because we are good people who care and
are up against people whose self esteem is so low that to admit they are
not completely correct in everything perhaps further reduces that self
esteem. Of course we can only deal with ourselves and unfortunately not
others so their personal growth is only dependant on the amount of reality
they wish to see and we can't make them do it until they are ready
themselves.
In the meantime don't they just cause so much havoc and then they give
us the ultimatum -we either conform to their thinking or they abandon us.
The greatest advice I was ever given was not to take the blame on
my shoulders.

Thanks again for a great article,
Best wishes,
Alan.