Talk Shows
By: KK
Copyright@ 2001

I have a problem. I am a post operative transexual and I really need to tell my boyfriend of ten years. I just don't have the courage, nor the publicity. Oh, I have also been screwing the dog and I have a plastic leg. It would be so much easier to break this to him on national television. I think I will call Jerry Springer.

This is usually one of the general topics of a talk show. I personally love them. It is highly entertaining to watch trailer trash idiots exploit their lives on television and try to become famous off of it. I have yet to see a subject that I would feel the need to tell the world about.

Makeovers: I don't need one personally. But every person I have ever seen on these shows does need one. Problem is, most people look worse after the makeovers...who the hell is cutting their hair and doing their make-up? The guests walk on in filthy clothes and leave in goofy hats and wraps. Excuse me? When was the last time you saw someone wearing a sweater tied around their neck?

Surprise I'm Gay!: Yes, your girl friends already new that. Borrowing their panties pretty much tipped them off. But, if you are telling a male friend, on national television, that you want to be gay with him... you better know how to take punch.

I'm Cheating!: Millions of people do not need to hear what an asshole you are. But, you have let your entire town of 560 people know that you are a cheat and have killed any chances of getting a date when you get back.
If you choose to announce this to your significant other, in front of millions, you deserve to have that chair cracked across your head.

Teen Rebels: Poor Mom, her daughter is out of control and she doesn't know what to do. Boo Hoo! Your little brat dresses like a hooker, sleeps with your boyfriends, and has a potty mouth. Well, if you would have beat the crap out of that kid when she was three then you would have never lost control. Now she's off to Boot Camp...ooh scary! My kid wouldn't need Boot Camp. She would be in the hospital having my boot removed from her ass.

I Slept With Your Best Friend: Well, guess what? Because this announcement was made to you on national television you have carte blanche to destroy the stage and beat the crap out of your ex-mate and your ex-best friend. It is for entertainment purposes and since they were entertaining each other so well, let them kiss each others wounds, while you kiss their asses good-bye.

I Used To Be A Geek: You still are. Every person that "used to be geek" is now a stripper. You don't think these former geeks are now looking for publicity, do you?

I Want to Confront My Bully: Why? This subject would be better if the people that were bullied in school would confront their former bully by kicking their ass on television. Some people are still crying over the mean things their bullies did to them over 50 years ago...get over it!

My Mom Dresses Like A Slut: Your mom is a slut. Let her dress the part.

Lie Detector Tests: These are the greatest! There is nothing more gratifying than to watch people get busted in a lie. Even better are the people who claim the detector was wrong and they want to be re-tested...then they fail again! Welcome to Liars-R-Us.

My advice to you: If you are ever contacted by a talk show to come on for a "surprise"...hang up. I have yet to see "good" surprises on these shows. No matter what the topic, you are there to be humiliated. If you like that kind of torture, then hop on the plane and head to Chicago.