Underwear Lines
By: KK
Copyright @2001

Ladies and gentlemen do you ever check your ass in the mirror before you leave the house? There is nothing worse than panty lines. It cuts your ass off right in the middle and makes it look like folded linen. I am aware that every body shape is different and requires different attire, so let me explain a few things to you.

Gentlemen: (Yes, I am aware that this has nothing to do with underwear lines...but the issue must be addressed) Speedos are for attracting men, not women. They are not remotely attractive in Europe or any other planet. There is not a well hung man anywhere that can fit his package into a pair of Speedos. A real man wears trunks. A trunk is a piece of furniture that stores large items...get it? For those of you that didn't...they named swim "trunks" to store large items. Speedos do not store large items. They squash small items up your ass so you like a ten year old girl.

Boxers or briefs: Fruit of the loom tightie whities are for fruity white boys. Thin cotton boxers made from pillow cases are for the elderly. If you're going for sex appeal, go for dark colors, snug around the ass and the package. Calvin Klein is your best bet. If you are the lazy type that sports a Goodyear belly, then a nice grill cover might work. If Mommy is still buying your underwear, you need psychiatric help.

Ladies: There are various kinds of underwear. The old lady, fake silk, up to your breasts, could hide a small child in them underwear. The all cotton briefs, which come in hip huggers, waist high, breast high and down to your knees. There are panties printed with flowers, dogs, clouds and the day of the week (in case you forget). There are panties that support, lift, tuck, suck and scratch your back. There are panties with padding, stuffing and built in air fresheners. What do they all have in common? They all crawl. When was the last time a package of underwear said, "I promise not to crawl up your crack?"

I personally refuse to wear any of the above. If I wanted an aerobic workout I would go to the gym. I take great pride in my ass and refuse to ruin the look of a perfect pair of painted on jeans with a crease across my buttocks. So I offer the following:

1. Thongs. This is the equivalent of having a rubber band up your ass, but you'll get used to it. Since thongs were my uniform in my dancing days, I consider myself an expert on the subject. It is an absolute necessity to shave, wax, weed whack, whatever it takes to remove the hair outside the thong line. The last thing anyone wants to see is a jungle animal hanging between your legs.

**Note: Thongs do not look good on men, unless there are $20 bills hanging out of them.

2. Bare assed. On a whim, I decided to go bare bottomed. Let's just say I'm still riding that whim.

**Note: I do not recommend that well hung men go bare assed. I would hate to see you trip.

Please, for the sake of every persons vision...choose your underwear wisely. This coming from someone who wore underwear for a living.