The Updated Bill of Rights
By: KK
Copyright @2001

Two hundred and twelve years ago the original Bill of Rights was written. Minor changes have been made to it, but in the end it still remains basically the same. These are considered our "freedoms". Since no one else has offered to re-define these "freedoms", I feel it is my duty as a pissed off American to do so. Since this is the year 2001 I am going to update and re-write what freedoms the American people have and take advantage of now. Please note that I have added a few that were excluded from the original Bill.

Religion: A person has the right to invite and organize any size group of idiots to join in meetings, prayer and the donation of their entire paychecks to that person's bank account. Notice that God does not actually receive these funds. Freedom of religion also allows for people to commit crimes and judge others all in the name of the Bible. Which by the way, the Bible states that crime and judgment of others is a sin. Please note that a majority of organized religious groups skipped over that chapter.

Speech: Any person has the right to say anything about anyone, truth or lie. Mostly lies. Please refer to the tabloids.

Press: Any person working for any type of media has the right to invade a person's privacy, via stalking, photos, under cover videos and trumped up stories. Again, I refer you to the tabloids.

Assembly: Any group of persons has the right to stand on any corner and harass, attack and shoot people for acting on their different beliefs and opinions about their own lives.

Guns: Any person with half a brain and one testicle may purchase and carry a loaded weapon, with no questions asked. They may use that weapon on their families, neighbors, enemies and animals and claim "self defense".

Search & Seizure: Anyone with a badge must ask a criminal's permission to search and seize weapons, drugs, kidnapped children, dead bodies, stolen money, hi-jacked vehicles and hostages. If the person with a badge does not get written permission to do so, the criminal is free to go because his/her rights were violated. Please refer to the next freedom...

Criminal's Rights vs. Victim's Rights: Criminals have rights. Victims don't. Innocent Until Proven Guilty: Even after a criminal has confessed or has been proven guilty of killing 403 people, stealing cars, robbing banks and beating up old ladies, he/she has the right to appeal until the system gets tired of them and releases them into the public again.

Speedy and Public Trial: Since public hangings and executions would send the general public running to their psychiatrists, the tax payers now offer to pay for a drive-thru trial and release for any criminal.

"Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted." The public would hate to actually punish the criminals. It might interfere with their cash flow, social life, drug deals and the time that they spend with their 12 kids.

Trial by Jury: A person has the right to be judged by twelve complete strangers. Once the dead body is produced, all 6285 pieces of evidence has been proven, the defendant has attacked 3 jurors and set the courtroom on fire, they will be set free because the jury felt sorry for them or decided that there was a "lack of evidence". Twelve brains do not make one intelligent person.

Welfare: A person has the right to never hold a steady job, breed litters and the tax payers will be happy to pay for your rent, food, clothing and drug habit indefinitely. You are not required to use birth control, go to AA or check yourself into a drug re-hab. We will be a generous and giving society and support your lazy ass. On the other hand, those who do not abuse the welfare system and simply need a little support, are not allowed to work. Thus, forcing them to look like the average welfare cling on.

Education: We have the right to underpay and overwork our teachers. We have the freedom to not force our children to learn to read or write. We have the freedom to not challenge our children and not expect them to have an intelligence level higher than the average gnat.

Taxes: The government has the freedom to take our hard earned money and give it to other countries. Those countries have the right to laugh all the way to the bank. Our government also has the freedom to not use our money to feed, clothe or house our own homeless and hungry people.

Illegal Aliens: Welcome to the country!! We will be happy to take care of your illegitimate, illegal, non-English speaking asses. We will provide you with medical care, housing, welfare, social security benefits and we'll even send over a boat to pick you up.

Senior Citizens: Americans have the freedom to abuse, neglect and steal from the elderly. The minute you turn 55 your phone number will be released to every con-artist, telemarketer and thief on the planet. If the elderly should become incapacitated, mentally or physically, your family has the freedom to promptly throw your wrinkled up ass into a home where you will legally be allowed to be neglected and abused. It is legal for Ed McMahon to tell you that he is on his way to your house with your million dollars.

These are only a few changes that come to mind. I'm sure that I will think of more. This is the land of the free and Americans should really take advantage of that. Things could be worse. This country could actually enforce laws, take care of and protect their own. But why the hell would we do that, when all the other countries need our help to build their weapons, pay their bills and feed their own people?