K-Says...Where Did I Go? by

Where Did I Go?

by: KK

Four and half years ago I fell into a massive, spiraling hole called a relationship. It was the typical meet a hot guy, fall head over heels in love and run off into the sunset together forever...

In my case,

Hot guy...yes.

Head over heels in love...head up my ass.

Run off into the sunset together forever...trip over and ignore the red flags of disaster.

We had an instant connection. Little did I know that that connection would involve a straight jacket fit for two. For all you wonderful, independent, outspoken, control freak women, listen and learn. Ms. K is going to drop some reality into your drinks and hopefully save at least one woman from letting anything with a penis have her running for the nearest mental facility.

Red Flag #1

Stalker- He must have constant contact with me. He is at my house 5-6 times, a day, (not to mention all the drive by's I don't know about) 40-50 phone calls, text messages, smoke signals, all day! The best part ladies, when I did not respond to each and every one, I am interrogated and in trouble. When I asked him to politely back off a little and assure him that I still love him and think about him constantly, the tears were unbelievable. No! Not my tears. A grown man that cries. At everything. I mean everything...hangnail, raindrops, pony rides, you name it...he cries! I love a sentimental man, but come on...it's just a fucking missed phone call.

Red Flag #2

Mr. Right...About EVERYTHING! He is a "know it all." Or at least he thinks does. Did you know the sky is not blue? Who knew? It is whatever color he says it is that day and shame on me if I told him otherwise. Did you know that furniture should face a certain direction, in the house, for good luck? Yes, I am aware that this is some Fengshit stuff, but 4 1/2 years later, the layout of the furniture did not save our relationship. Seashells in the house are bad luck too and putting your purse on the ground...could lose your money ladies. Most would call this superstition. I call it superstupid.

Red Flag #3

Do everything his way- He constantly questions me on how and why I do things a certain way. In other words, why don't I do things his way. I exaggerate a lot, for the humor effect, but this is no exaggeration. Ready? "Why do you use that toilet paper and not this one?" "Why do you park your truck that way?" "Why do you load the dishwasher like that?" "You should vacuum this way." "You should color your hair this way. It turns me on." "Why don't you use this phone service?" Why do you shop at that store and not this one?" It goes on and on and on. Nothing I did was right.

Red Flag #4

He is NEVER wrong- Have you ever tried to argue with a brick wall that has ADHD( Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder)? Loads of fun. First of all, I do not like arguing. It is a waste of time and energy and just breaks down a relationship. His arguments would start with a simple subject. Let's start with something simple.

I say, "Oh, look the sky is a beautiful blue, with big white fluffy clouds, that I could just float on all day!" He responds, "What the fuck are you talking about? There is no sky, you are a dummy, the dog shit on the carpet and get those fucking seashells out of the house! They are bad luck!" WTF?

I talk in my sleep and not very coherently at that. But he really liked to start an argument with me after I had fallen asleep and of course I would not remember it the next day. My bad! Now I'm the crazy lunatic (don't even go there!). It is always nice to wake up the next morning to the silent treatment, not even knowing why and then get blamed for "starting" an argument, I did not not even recall. Fabulous!!

Red Flag #5

Blended Family- I have two perfect kids. He has one perfect kid and an 8 year old (who I met when he was four). I will preface this with the truth, the majority of this child's problems are not his own. He is not getting the help he needs, because his idiot parents are in denial that he truly has ADHD. I have a family member with this affliction and I do not take it lightly. Remember that this is a satire site and let the humor begin.

Set aside ADHD and start with the fact that this kids parents will be changing his diapers well into his forties. He is a spoiled rotten brat! He whines, they run to him. He blames everyone else for his behavior and everyone else gets punished. He demands attention, the world stops revolving. If this child cried loud enough, he could probably stop the war in Iraq. The parents still hand feed him...no joke! He kicks a hole in his bedroom door and his brother gets punished. Get the picture? Oh, let's not forget that he was constantly trying to hurt my animals. He put his fingers in their eyes, pulled their ears, tails and tried to suffocate them. Hello?? All I heard for 4 years, "He's 4, he's 5, he's 6, he's 7, he's 52, he's too young to understand." Parenting at its best folks!

Red Flag #6

Food and Alcohol- I love to cook and drink wine. Enough said, one would think. But NO! My recipes were not as good as his. His steaks, dips, enchiladas, everything was better than mine. (Refer to Red Flags #3 & #4). Bullshit!! He sucked as a cook...no flavor, tons of salt. On EVERYTHING! The Atlantic and Pacific oceans have nothing on his and kids salt intake. He wants to eat healthy...McDonalds and a diet Coke, for breakfast, with his kids, everyday.

Alcohol. This is a big one and my favorite. My girlfriends and I love our wine. Because we can motor through wine like water, he considers us alcoholics. This is a man who rarely drinks. I am fine with that. Just shut the hell up about how much I drink. I'm a grown woman. I don't need to defend myself to anyone. I am the average single mom. I work full time, homework is done, dinner is on the table, house is clean and I have teenagers. It's 5:00 somewhere in the world and once my responsibilities are taken care of, it's just me and a bottle of wine! Maybe if he had a drink or two he would calm the hell down and stop trying to run my life.

Red Flag #7

Break Up- He's still in love with me and still playing games. If I see the boy cry one more time, I'm buying stock in Kleenex. He still plays games and tries to piss me off. He disappears, reappears, screams at me, calling for no reason and the never ending, "I'm so sorry and I love you." Tears, tears...cry me a river!

Red Flag #8

Denial- He will deny everything I wrote about and this is the abbreviated version!! He denied dying his hair blonde. Pathetic.

When we first started dating, he wanted me to write about him on this web site. I didn't. He then became jealous of what I wrote and started reading my journals. Bad move on his part. I stopped writing.

Of course, I have done nothing wrong in this relationship...come on people...you know me better than that! I'll admit to one thing. I used his garage code (which he gave me) and saw another woman's car parked in there. They were in another state with no phone service. When they came over the hill and service kicked in. Their phones, including hers, were going off with my text messages about him cheating on me. I heard that it was not a pretty ride home. As my mother used to say, "payback is a bitch."

You, ex-boyfriend, have officially been written about on my site. Hugs and kisses!