Working Girl
By: KK

Copyright @2003

Well look at me! After eleven years of raising a husband and two kids, I am officially employed with the county. The best part of this job is that it doesn't require nudity or dirty one dollar bills. I'm not the kind of girl that sits around waiting for things to be handed to me. I jumped straight from cancer to divorce to school to a paying job and might I say I am damn proud. Check back in about a week, I'll be bored out of mind and bitching about my co-workers. But I'm relishing in the fact that I didn't have to be in the horizontal position to get this job.

I could have pulled strings with my attorney ex or any of the other legal heads that I know, but instead, I chose the old fashioned way of groveling through two interviews. I only applied for two jobs and was hired for the first one. The interrogations were both by the county and both excruciatingly the same. Two women sit at the end of a presidential size conference table and I am instructed to sit at the other end. The other end was located in Nova Scotia and two cups and a string was the only way I could hear their asinine questions. I don't blame the women, they were just doing their job and asking the questions they were given. The questions only confirm that our government is still a crack smoking community. I'll provide you with the questions they asked and the answers that I wanted to give.

COUNTY:  "What experience do you have in the legal profession?"
(note: they know that I'm married to an attorney and they also know that I have been a paralegal for at least four years)

ME:   "I was a legal stripper for years and accepted legal tender nightly. I've been having sex with an attorney for eleven years. So technically I was experiencing the "legal profession"."

COUNTY:  "Do you know how to speak Spanish?"

ME:   "No. But I can read Braille and sign language and the last time I checked this was America and we speak English here. When did that change?"

COUNTY:   "Can you work a ten key by touch?"
(note: a ten key for those of you that don't know is a large calculator)

ME:   "Well my vibrator only has four keys on it and I can do that by touch. Does a ten key vibrate and what do the other six keys do? You've peaked my interest."

COUNTY:   "Do you know how to work on a computer?"

ME:   "Is that the same thing as Game Boy or Play Station? Do I need to bring my own controller?"

COUNTY:   "How do you handle stressful situations and confrontations with other employees or customers?"

ME:   "First I pee all over myself from fear. Then I pull out one of my two Oozies and catch up on my target practice. That usually seems to relieve the stress in the room and calms people down."

COUNTY:   "What makes you the best candidate for this job?"

ME:   "I've given more county blow jobs than the other candidates. I have my own Game Boy and Oozie and that could really save the county some money on supplies for me."

COUNTY:   "Why do you want this job?"

ME:   "Actually I really wanted to work in the fast food industry. But I was over qualified and your job was just screaming my name. So here I am."

During the first interview I of course was a nervous wreck. I am horrible at interviews because I feel like I'm in front of NATO trying to explain where I hid Osama bin Laden. Begging two complete strangers to hire me is humiliating enough. But they also sat there and scored me on every question. I was really surprised that they didn't ask the famous beauty pageant question, "If you could change the world for the better, what would you do?". I could answer that...up the price of table dances, send the immigrants back to their respective planets
and invite Osama bin Laden and Martha Stewart over for a little arsenic laced tea.