XXX Stores
By: KK

Copyright @2003

Adult "Book" Stores. I have never been in a "book" store that sold 16" multi-colored dildo's, rabbit ears that vibrate, lubricants that could put a Cadillac to shame and blow up porno dolls. What the hell?? Humiliation mixed with thrill and potential orgasms is by far more exciting than meeting a future spouse at the local Ho Down Bar.

I live in Las Vegas and it's a right of passage to enter, peruse and purchase from an Adult "Book" Store. No one wants to actually be seen in one of these stores, but there is something highly erotic and wrong about being in one. Being the Nazi-Catholic that I am, I have to scour each and ever corner, product and customer in the store. I've had some interesting experiences in these stores, which of course you are dying to hear.

My girlfriend and I decided to spice up our sex lives (for our spouses). We went on a shopping spree to one of the more sanitary, larger stores in town. We wanted as few witnessing perverts as possible. We hiked up and down the aisles. We pointed, laughed, sighed, regurgitated and blushed at hundreds of items. The rush of emotions exhausted us. We finally settled on the things that we could afford and experiment with legally. We hurriedly walked up to the register and subtly laid our items on the counter. The 153 year old bat behind the counter announced that she would have to open every item, put the batteries in and test it out, for the sole purpose of, "I have to make sure that it works. There are no returns."

Mortified, is an understatement. We looked behind us and their where 5 men standing in line. I quietly informed her that it wasn't necessary to test the items, that we wouldn't return them especially if they didn't work. Per chance, that I would be brain dead and decide that the 22", double headed, black dildo, where not the right size or color for me....ma'am, I would like a refund...it doesn't fit and it definitely doesn't match my bedspread. Can I please have a refund or an exchange?" Somebody shoot me now!

She proceeds to insert the batteries into every item and lays them on the counter where they promptly vibrate onto the floor. Which of course I am now dying to put the new bunny ears between my legs that fell on the diseased carpet of an Adult "Book" Store. The men behind us don't even have the chivalry to look away or even to offer to pay for the items. What the hell?? Do you think that is bad?? It gets better. The hag decides to accuse me of opening one of the packages!

"You opened this one!!" she snaps.

"Excuse me?" I was stunned.

"You're going to have to pay for this. You are not allowed to open the packages!" yelled the hag.
(I am now beyond Prozac and decide to respond with sarcasm...really, I did. You had to be there. I swear I didn't open anything.)

"I apologize Ms. Bat, I felt the need to test drive the toy in the back corner over there. It was phenomenal and if you check it closely, I've already inserted my own batteries and no lube is needed," I retorted.

The men giggled and she immediately shoved everything into a brown bag. We graciously thanked her for her snappy attitude and sprinted out of the store. Needless to say, the porno was great, but the blow up Ken doll was highly disappointing.

Do you want more embarrassing story?? Take your mother to an Adult "Book" Store. My mother was here on vacation and for a bachelorette party. As my sister and I enter the store, our mother informs us that her toys have died and she needs to update. A little more information than we needed to know!! She invades the store and starts picking out items that my sister and I didn't even know existed. My sister is much more conservative than I am, so her hyperventilation was completely acceptable. I on the other hand got stuck with the bill and the famous statement of, I will pay you back. How the hell does someone pay for their mother's sex toys???!!! I'm thinking that this really
pushes the line of mother-daughter relationships. Who was I to complain? As long as Mom was happy, right?

Adult "Book" Stores are great entertainment, education and a tremendous amount of fun. But come on, let's be reasonable. Since I have yet to see a "book" in these establishments, can we please refer to them as the "Playground for Consenting Adult Experimentalists and Sex-aholics"? Disneyland was never so much fun!